I've been trying since last night to write how I feel about the tragic loss of Dr. Tiller. I attempted to post my thoughts on Twitter, but I wasn't clear at all, and I confused people. I just can't quite calm down enough to formulate my thoughts.
If you haven't read about Dr. George Tiller's death, here are the facts. Dr. Tiller is one of perhaps three doctors in the entire country that performs third trimester abortions. He lived in Wichita, Kansas, as had many other generations of his family. On Sunday, he was serving as an usher at his church when a man walked into the church lobby and shot him once, killing him. His wife was in the sanctuary at the time of his death. This wasn't the first time Dr. Tiller had been shot: in 1993, he was shot by a woman in both arms. In 1986, his clinic was bombed. His clinic was routinely vandalized, including the most recent event where someone clogged up his gutters causing severe water damage to the clinic. He's suffered through protests at his home, his church, and his office his entire professional career. His children have been harassed. But he never stopped providing what he considered to be a critical service for women.
I have only a loose personal connection to Dr. Tiller. As a child, my mother and I often drove from Albuquerque, New Mexico to visit my grandparents in St. Joseph, Illinois. My mother had a friend in Wichita, Kansas, so we often stopped there for a respite and a visit for a day or two. My mom's friend had a daughter my age, who I thought was the coolest girl ever (she played me a Bill Cosby record!). This daughter, once she grew up and became a young woman, spent many years working for Dr. Tiller, so I've always noted the violence and attacks against him and worried about her safety. Although she quit working for him in the recent past, I still paid attention as an advocate of choice.
Then, of course, I had my situation with the boys. Suddenly, the work of Dr. Tiller took on far more meaning to me than just a pure issue of choice.
I was technically only hovering on the border of the third trimester when my pregnancy was terminated, but I was extremely lucky that my doctor even knew how to perform an intact dilation and extraction procedure -- much less was actually willing to DO one (oh, and of course, in 2004, it was LEGAL). At the time I had no understanding of just how lucky I was, but looking back on it now I see a bit of God's grace in that moment. While other options were available, of course, none of them were as safe for me and most carried a strong risk of my losing my uterus. But as luck would have it, my life was saved, and Tori was able to grow up in my body and become the beautiful girl I have today.
Dr. Tiller was the only person in his state that performed a variation of the procedure that saved my life. In fact, he was the only doctor in the entire middle of the country that did that procedure. His loss will cause more than just grief for his family and friends; his loss will quite possibly cause the death of women like me. It will certainly cause unnecessary pain and grief.
I'm trying hard not to go off into tangents, like the outrageous hypocrisy of MURDERING Dr. Tiller in the name of "saving lives." Or how enraging I find the argument that babies matter more than women, how I feel that at the heart of that argument is really the possibly male babies that matter. Or the fact that the crowing of joy on the internet (twitter in particular) at Dr. Tiller's death makes me sick to my stomach in a way that makes me want to shuck off being American. I don't want to get into all of that, although that is all swirling around my brain right now.
The thing that I find the most terrifying is this: that there are people that believe killing doctors is the RIGHT THING TO DO. Doctors that provide critical medical services. And I find myself filled with fear.
I have made the choice to be an advocate about this issue and what happened to me. I've taken into account the risk that my family faces by my doing so -- I'd be easy to find if someone wanted to choose harassing me as a way to make a statement about choice. I know this.
But when I mentioned my doctor's name in the blog -- as a way to tout his awesomeness -- I never took into account the fact that someone could think that killing him would be a way to save the lives of babies. Admittedly, my doctor does not run a practice that solely does abortions. He's an obstetrician. He brings babies into the world, most of the time. What happened to me was rare enough in his medical experience that he described the day of my surgery as one of the worst in his medical career. He is, overall, a life bringer, not a life ender. But sometimes, he is also a life SAVER. You are reading this because of him.
My doctor is not only a great doctor, but an amazing person. He lights up the room when he enters, and his warmth and kindness is... well, spectacular in a anyone, let alone a doctor. I mean, the man goes to Africa to help women by performing fistula repairs for his VACATION. We, as patients, are lucky to have him.
This, too, is how many described Dr. Tiller.
To think that someone could pick up a gun and decide to end the life of Dr. Tiller is unimaginable. To think that someone could do that to my doctor as well is horrid. To worry, now, that perhaps I put my doctor at risk by sharing his name? Scares the fucking pants off me.
I realize my fears are self-centered, and I want to say again how sorry I am for the friends and family of Dr. Tiller. What they are suffering now -- the loss of a loved family member, amid the cheers of many in the pro-life movement (note: I did NOT say all) -- has got to be insurmountable.
But this crime feels personal to me. I feel it in my heart, and in my bones. I am angry and sad and horrified and terrified and I want to GET UP and fucking DO SOMETHING right now, something to celebrate this man's life and to shake my fist in the faces of those rejoicing and say FUCK YOU! You will not terrorize us into silence! We will not go away! We will not lay down and take this kind of act of domestic terrorism! We will fight you for the right to control our bodies!
But all I can do is write this post while tears run down my face and pray for the family of Dr. Tiller, and the women who will now suffer because of his loss. I will pray that others are not emboldened by this successful act of terrorism (because that is just what it is) and take similar actions. I will pray that this horrid act calls the kind of negative attention to the pro-life movement that it deserves. I will pray that those of us that support choice across the board will be galvanized by this to stay active, even when we supposedly have a pro-choice President. And I will pray that I can set aside my own anger and sadness about this event to remember that not all that call themselves pro-life think murdering doctors is a good idea, and that many people that are opposed to choice are actually good, decent human beings. Because right now, that thought is hard to hold on to. It really, really is.
PS: Julie has some great links posted where we can take action. Please check out her post today.
PPS: The friend that I mentioned that worked for Dr. Tiller has also linked to some great places you can donate in honor of Dr. Tiller at her blog. Please check it out.



