Fear/Faith

If you are part of a spiritual community, whether it's a church or a twelve-step group, you've probably had some asshole tell you that fear is the opposite of faith. Maybe it's true. I don't fucking know. But the fact is, we are not angels, or gods, or even dogs who can rest assured that our food bowl will always be filled no matter what. We are human, and being afraid is not abnormal. It is built into our DNA, after (hello, fight/flight reflex). Fear is, in fact, a God-given resource that helps keep us safe.

However.

Lately I've found myself absolutely paralyzed with fear. Most of it is surrounding the work I've been doing, and my fears that I am not going to make it as a freelance writer, and that in fact my writing sucks and what on earth was I thinking quiting my job? I am such a LOSER.

This is NOT normal.

My head is a sick and crazy place to live. Most the work I do to maintain my spiritual well-being is designed to keep me out of my head, to instead direct my energies outward toward helping other people and trying to be the best person I can be and letting go of everything else. But every now and then I can't stop myself. I descend into insanity, and every phone call is bad news, and every email rife with double meanings (none of which is good).

It's a terrible way to live.

Luckily, I have people in my life that know what to do to force me to snap out of it. I called my primary spiritual adviser today and she suggested I work on my issues with faith, and that I take some time to make a gratitude list. What's a gratitude list? Well, it's a third grade level trick designed to put me in a better mood. When my head is full of craziness, a gratitude list helps me put things in perspective, and remind me of the good things in my life (note: it doesn't always work. I would not suggest trying to create a gratitude list when you are, say, in the hospital after losing your twin boys. However, for more run-of-the-mill fear, it's awesome).

So after I hung up the phone, I took some time to yell at God for a moment, and then I listed those things I'm grateful for. Like the fact that Charlie is 100% behind me being home, and working as a freelancer, even though it means we no longer have a regular paycheck to rely on and now stalk the mailman on a regular basis in hopes that a check will come so we can pay bills/buy groceries/buy me some new fucking pants. Or the fact that Tori is not only here, and healthy, but pretty much the cutest baby that ever walked the earth (shut up, she is). And the fact that I have an amazing best friend who totally listens to me when I'm crazy and never laughs at me. Or the fact that I have another good friend that listens to me and DOES laugh at me and helps me remember that I am crazy.

While I was in the midst of thinking about all these things, I was washed with a wave of gratitude for all of you. My professional work now is writing, and I have felt a little shaky in my abilities of late. But then I remembered you guys, you amazing people that come here every single day and read whatever drivel my brain produces, and then say nice things to me about it. Holy shit, I am the luckiest woman in the world! Why on earth am I afraid?

Everything will be fine. I am a good writer, and I will find a way to make this work. Thank you for reminding me.

Not long after I had that moment of realization, I tuned into my local NPR station only to hear Dan and Dave Simpson, two local poets (they live in my town, even) that happen to be blind, being interviewed. Dan read this amazing poem (ah, I wish I could find a copy online for you all) about faith and being blind. The poem said something about being at the book store and buying books with blank pages (pages written in braille, of course, can look blank from a distance) and "paying with a bill the grocery store clerk said was a twenty."

Man. When God wants to tell me something, s/he drops an anvil on my head. Talk about faith! Talk about gratitude! Talk about perspective!

Shit.

Right now (I just almost typed "write now", how Freudian of me), I am mid-leap. I am flying through the air, hoping that jumping was the right decision, praying that instead of falling to the ground in a broken heap I will instead either land safely or a net will magically appear. Is there anything more terrifying?

The truth is, even mid-leap, my life is pretty fucking wonderful. And I couldn't possibly be more grateful to be reminded of that fact. Thank you for being part of that.

So, tell me; what are you afraid of? And what are you grateful for?

Comments

[camille]

I am afraid of losing myself in the process of being a mother - that I am already lost. I am afraid that no one knows or remembers or cares who I used to be, who I still am underneath the mom costume. I am also afraid that I don't do the mother thing quite well enough. I am impatient and cross often. I don't play like I think other mothers do. However, I am grateful for three healthy children. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mother to my children. I love them ferociously.

[Abby]

I am afraid that my husband will never find a job - is not motivated enough to do so - and will continue to rely on me to take care of everything with the money that comes from my two-job, 12-hour workdays.

God bless America that felt good to say out loud.

[Blythe]

I'm afraid I'll never feel like a success.

Your post reminded me of this article, about how women tend to feel apologetic about their writing:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/15/opinion/15mon4.html?ex=1193284800&en=7b182e3de838ee9c&ei=5070&emc=eta1

[Libby]

Everything will be fine. You are a good writer, and you will find a way to make this work. Plus, the internet loves you, yes we do.

I am afraid I will be single forever and die alone. There, I said it out loud.

[Anne]

I am grateful for nearly everything in my life. I am grateful for a stable job in the field I want to be in, a house in a safe neighborhood, a supportive husband (not superhuman or without flaws but totally awesome nonetheless), my completely absolutely totally beautiful healthy loving and lovely baby, having grown up in a culture and a family that told me I (as a female) could be anything I wanted to be, and gave me the resources to do it, good health, caring friends and family.

I am afraid of losing my daughter and my husband--to illness, to an accident, to a psychopath. Those fears sometimes take my breath away. I am usually able to make them lie down and sleep but they come back sometimes, especially after hearing some horrific tale on the news (I hardly watch the news anymore after having my daughter. It feels like I no longer have any emotional skin.)

[ALG]

I am afraid of being emotionally needy forever. I am afraid of having more needs than any human being can meet. I am afraid of never marrying and never having children. I am afraid of never having a job/career that I like and find fulfilling and that pays the bills.

Some mornings, I am so afraid, that I just don't want to get out of bed.

[ALG]

Also, I am in awe of you who have overcome your fears to do awesome things with your lives, while I still with a mostly unfulfilling office job.

[Maura]

Cecily, you are not a good writer. You are a GREAT writer. I have over 100 blogs on my RSS feeds, mostly political but many personal, and when I see you have a new post, yours is always the first that I click.

And FWIW, I'm grateful for you, too. Grateful for your voice, grateful for the sense that I have an ally out there, even though I've never met you!

[Adina]

I give thanks every morning for all of the things in my life - my children, my family, my job.

I am afraid that I am not able to give 100% to all that I do have to be grateful for. That I am not the best Mom I can be to my children, best wife I can be to my husband, etc. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and regret some of the decisions I have made, that maybe, just maybe things could have been better/different.

...and yah, what Camille said, I am afraid of losing myself - very well written!

I want to love & be loved and my greatest fear is that I won't have that one day!

Cecily, I check your blog daily for updates and enjoy your insight and outloud thinking. I am grateful for your honesty and appreciate your openess - don't stop what you do!

[WendyP]

I've rarely/never commented, but I wanted to say you are indeed a great writer.

I'm afraid I will never be a mother. Ironically enough, I am also afraid to become a mother. I am afraid of what I don't know or understand.

I liked what a friend once told me, that God isn't going to throw you off of a cliff and watch where you land.

[Spacemom]

I am afraid that my soul and who I am is getting lost in the idiotic mother race to do it all. My brain needs the adult contact and work, my heart needs my husband and children, my soul, is left to flounder, looking for help.

I am grateful that I have all that I do, the wealth, the shelter, the children, the love.

[Kim]

That was deep!!! I will have to get back to you on that one. It brought up a lot of my fears/feelings. I'm not quite sure I want to deal with right now. Great moving post C.

[Celeste]

I get anxious over many things, but only to a point. I really don't have paralyzing fear.

But to answer your questions:

I'm afraid of telling my child about this sometimes so messed-up world.

I'm grateful that my child loves me, even when I'm not the best mom.

[Dea]

I promise you're an excellent writer.
My fears are creepy, well to me. I'm so scared that I will end up like my mother. That I will parent like her, that I will have multiple husbands like her. I'm so scared that our likenesses won't end at our appearances.
Funny thing is I know I won't be like her. Already I am so different from her, in a stable loving marriage, I have the ability to have a career that pays more than minumum wage. And I am pretty sure I won't parent like her, because I actually plan to parent and not leave my children with man of the month.
Anyhow fears are strange things.

[ellemenope]

It was very scary to realize that I am 100% totally responsible for filling the food bowl for my kids. That everything I did -- every single thing -- impacted them in one way or another. I am also self-employed -- have been for 10 years. I really suck at putting money away when the checks come in to save for when the work is lean. I have been very fortunate in that I have always had work to do. But something else about freelancing is that you can't ever turn it off. You don't go home after a 9-5 day and have your 'at home' time to relax and forget about work. That project, deadline, work you've been avoiding is always lurking in the background. In 10 years this hasn't gotten any easier for me. And yeah there is always that nagging voice that says to me "you're a loser at this -- you suck" especially when I lose a client or see some other designer who is really really good, or I get one of those clients that just sucks me dry. But still, the work keeps rolling in. And then I get a project that makes me really excited and I can say - look at what I created! And actually got paid for creating it! Those make up for all the other times.

[Eliza]

Everything. And everything.

[Heather]

I am deathly afraid of my husband using again and of something happening to my son.

I am grateful for every day that he is sober and is in our lives and I am grateful for every day that I have with my son. Even though sometimes he makes me crazy I still smile when I think of the look on his face when I say Zack no no and he looks up at me and grins and does it anyway!! :-)

[anonymousey]

I'm 27. When my mom was my age, she started getting massive cysts on her uterus and ovaries. When HER mom was my age, the same thing happened. They both had full hysterectomies at a year older than I am. I'm single, rarely date, and terrified if I don't try to start a family now I won't get the chance. Those painful twinges in my lower abdomen? Is that how it starts? I know I should go to a doctor but (I've mentioned this before) I don't have insurance because I can't afford it. That's my fear right now...

I'm grateful for my friends. They are my life and my strength and I wouldn't be able to get through life without them. This is the first time I've ever been in a group of people so disparate but so fiercely loyal to each other. I described it once as being on a crowded subway. We're all smooshed together, painfully close. When one of us falls, the others are so close they hold the fallen one up. Sometimes we don't even realize just being near each other is enough to keep us aloft.

xoxo
katrina

[Lia]

Boy, this could be a really long comment...

Fears: That my husband will never find enough work to be the breadwinner and that I will be stuck in this job that I hate forever. That my little side business (click my name!) will never take off and I will be stuck in this job that I hate forever. That I will somehow lose my husband and my daughter to injury or illness and then still be stuck in this d*** job!

Gratitudes: That my husband is a wonderful stay at home dad and is raising my daughter to be an amazing human being. That my daughter is here for me to love. That I have a creative outlet after so many years without one. That I have this d*** job at all and am able to provide for my family. Amen.

[jenny]

I am scared of dying. Not for the loss of my own life, but for my daughter to lose her mother. I want to watch her get married and I want to be there to wipe her tears at every stage. I have no reason to fear this, I am healthy. It is totally irrational but I can't help it. What I am grateful for is probably obvious. My daughter. She is an IVF baby and everyday I look at her, amazed that she made me a mama. I am also so grateful for my husband that not only tolerates my insane love of my daughter, but joins me in it. I am grateful to live in Canada because I really do feel sorry for those in the US with health care issues.

I feel better, good exercise!

[illahee]

i am afraid my children will reject me and my culture. that i will lose them to japan. this keeps me up at night.

i am grateful for my loving husband and beautiful children. and my health!

[Jo-Ann]

I am afraid that I am a fraud and that my whole cool life is a sham. That I am as irresponsible, lazy, fat, untrustworthy, and nagging as my parents always told me I was.

You write from the heart with talent and passion. I hope the net you need shows up soon!

[Ashley]

I'm afraid that the people I love will never accept God into their lives, and that I'll spend eternity without them. Well I'm not so much in fear of spending eternity without them, it's thinking of where they'll be that keeps me up at night. That's the only thing that paralyzes me with fear, to the point that I have to actively fight back vomitting.

I'm afraid of a lot lately. Like you, every phone call is a death notice. Today, my phone vibrated during class and I had to wait 10 minutes to see what it was about. During that time, I literally became physically ill with worry. I almost passed out. I think I'm in need of a gratitude list...

I'm grateful for my salvation, my husband and son, a wonderful father/best friend, my fortunate opportunities in life, and the fact that I lost both my angels early on in pregnancy.

Ugh, now I need chocolate.

[Miriam]

I've been considering going back to school to get a masters (in a field of study that is new to me) for the past year or so, and I think what has held me back is a fear of failure. I felt pretty good at academics when I was in college, but now that I've been out of it for 7 years, I'm afraid I'm rusty, or that I won't be as good as I remember. And I'm afraid I'd just be trading in one highly competitive field (singing, specifically opera) for another (academia). And I'm afraid if I leave behind singing, I'll always wonder what might have been.

I'm grateful that I'm in a position where I can actually have this dilemma, instead of wondering where my next meal will come from or where I'll sleep tonight.

[AmyinMotown]

I am afraid of not being able to make this freelancing thing work, that the fact I have done it, if not always lucratively enough, for five years (five! years! Go me!!) means nothing. I am afraid this rocky patch my marriage is in is the beginning of the end, not just a rough patch. I am afraid of being depressed, isolated, and competely unable to connect with others when I am old like my inlaws, and afraid of my husband getting sick like they are. And of course, terrified of something awful happening to my daughter. An interesting "faith" thing: I have had days where I am just riddled with anxiety that something bad will happen to her, and have prayed about it. I find myself feeling better when I do that. I like Ane's quote abbove, that it feels like "I have no emotional skin." I couldn't work as a newspaper reporter anymore, I'd just be riddled with terror all the time.

Grateful: for said beautiful daughter (I'd have to say Tori is the SECOND cutest baby ever) and the way she's growing into such a wonderful little person. For this healthy baby boy inside me--to have another pregnancy after all we went through to have our daughter is amazing.
For my husband, and my family; flawed though they are I can't imagine how awful and small my life would be without them.

For my house--it's old, and small, and needs some repair like every other week, but it's so charming and lovely and warm.

For the fact I mostly only have encountered good people.

Most of al, for all the unexpected turns my life has taken in the last 10 years--if you had told me ten years ago I would be a married, pregnant work from home mom who goes to church and freelances, I would not have believed you. Makes me wonder where I will be ten years from now.