Ack.
Today is a Very Bad Day. I have them now and again, but today is particularly bad.
Part of it is because we are just past the two year anniversary of the day I lost my boys. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now, but I've been hesitant to get too close to it because there is still just so much grief there and I don't have the reserves right now to cope with it.
But, alas, just because I don't feel capable of dealing with it all doesn't mean I don't have to. As often happens when grief comes calling, I express it all backwards and sideways. This time it came out in bitterness towards Charlie, which led to hurt feelings, which led to a big "discussion" that made me 45 minutes late for work and got nothing resolved.
So now I sit feeling as if all my joy was scooped out and replaced with rage and grief. I know it will pass, but I hate having to wait through it. Again.
Maybe I'll chop all my hair off. Or get a new tattoo. Or possibly just cut off a pinky toe (oh, I kid, I kid. My toes are too cute to chop). Nothing major. But the urge to do something--anything--is very strong. I've called some folks I trust, gotten some good advice. I will probably finally call a therapist as well.
This black hole will spit me out again, and I'll be in a better place. Right?
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On a happier note, we tried a new experiment with Tori. She's been fighting her naps lately, often only napping for twenty minutes at a time which makes her a lot more fussy than usual (although I shouldn't complain, because she's the least fussy baby ever). While I haven't actually read the No Cry Sleep Solution, I've read lot of blogs by women who have, and I decided to put some of those ideas into practice.
I know that they say more sleep at night leads to better and longer naps during the day (which makes no sense to me, but whatever). For a long while now our routine has been to put Tori on the boob the minute I get home from work, around 7pm. She then nurses for an hour or so, and we play a bit until about 8:30pm, at which point she suckles and sleeps, suckles and sleeps, on and on until we go to bed after The Daily Show (11:30). While I relish the time with her, I know she needs to be getting more solid sleep instead of dozing. So last night, at 9pm, I took her up to the co-sleeper and put her to bed.
I didn't know how she would feel about it. Although she'd been mostly asleep downstairs, by the time I changed her diaper and put her in a sleep sack she was pretty awake. We shared some giggles, and then I put her down and turned out the light and walked away.
It was TORTURE. Even though I always put her down in the cosleeper and then go do my night time ablutions and she is just fine, happy as can be, the light is usually on and I know I'll be there next to her as she actually falls asleep.
I was prepared to go get her and put her right back on the boob the first moment she made a sound. But--and many of you will now officially hate me with a white hot passion--she was completely quiet. Nary a whimper. I heard her thumping her legs down a few times (she lifts up her legs and then slams them down as hard as she can--it's very funny), when I got the courage to poke my head in and take a look at her twenty minutes later, she was out cold. And she stayed asleep until about 3am, her normal middle-of-the-night feeding time. And then she slept until 8am this morning.
While I miss that time with her---oh, hell, that's not really true. Right now, I'm feeling so depleted and stretched thin I'm really looking forward to having an hour or two at night I can move about my house freely instead of being trapped in front of the television with Tori on my boob. And I know Charlie is looking forward to spending his days with a more well-rested baby. Already today she took a much longer nap after her morning breakfast and play time (in fact, she slept through the entire "discussion" this morning), so hopefully we'll have continued success (but I'm not counting on it! I'm not that foolish) with putting Tori to "bed."
Next step, we'll put her to sleep in her crib! You know, in about ten years or so. Heh. Oh, and this weekend she fell in love with her Exersaucer. Pictures to come.
