Father's Day
For most of my life Father's Day has passed with little notice. I steeled myself early on--in elementary school, in fact--to ignore the holiday and pretend it didn't exist. When pressed to work on school projects that would be "gifts for Daddy" I was always given an out. It never occurred to me to substitute a Grandfather or Uncle on that day; it was easier and less painful to just to ignore it.
My father, as most of you know, left me and my mother when I was fifteen months old. He re-enlisted in the army and went off to Vietnam. It seems like a rather dramatic way to get away from your family, but whatever. I grew up, as I've said before, accepting the fact that I have a "dad-sized" hole in my heart that will never be filled.
In the last week, I've woken up several times to find Charlie awake, staring at me and Tori. His face is so happy and relaxed; I haven't seen him like this since we first fell in love. He speaks softly to Tori, saying, "Hi, Doll! How are you?" and looking like the most proud daddy that ever existed.
Ten years ago, I made the decision that I wanted to have kids. I was sober and I was lucky enough to be married to a man that would not be like my father. I knew in my bones that no matter what happened, Charlie would always be there for his children. I never felt safe enough in any other relationship to contemplate actually raising a family; Charlie changed everything.
It wasn't easy; for years, if we had a big fight, I would tell him to leave. I knew he was going to leave, because that was what men did. But each time I'd tell him to go, he'd just look at me like I was crazy (cause I was) and say, "Gee, that seems a little dramatic."
Charlie managed to heal, in large part, the thing in me my father broke.
I know now, watching Charlie with Tori, that the reason we pushed so fucking hard to have her is so that I can watch his face shine with love for her. The last four years of pain and fear and rage and sorrow are melting away so quickly; my heart is healing faster than my incision.
Charlie is a miracle just as much as Tori is. He is my heart, my love, and now the father of my daughter. A daughter who will never have a dad-sized hole in her heart; my daughter is starting out her life learning that men can be kind, loving and gentle. I envy her. She's one lucky little girl.
Happy Father's Day, Charlie. I love you, and so does your daughter.
What a lovely tribute -- you are all so lucky. And I can relate; my daughter is fortunate to have a wonderful father. Happy Every Day!
Posted by: Sara | June 18, 2006 at 01:42 PM
Well that is just about the best thing I have ever read. Now I need to go get some tissue.
Happy Father's Day to Charlie, Tori and you :D.
Posted by: Tanya | June 18, 2006 at 01:42 PM
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Tears over here...he is one beautiful daddy.
xo
Posted by: Sarah | June 18, 2006 at 01:48 PM
Awww, I got shivers reading this post, knowing how hard and heartbreaking your journey was to get to this point. Charlie is a lucky man to have a loving wife like you , and such a sweet baby girl!
I hope you don't mind I sent Charlie an email saying Happy Fathers Day!
Posted by: Bluepaintred | June 18, 2006 at 01:52 PM
this post has left me beaming...that is all.
Posted by: Jaine | June 18, 2006 at 02:11 PM
Amen.
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah | June 18, 2006 at 02:34 PM
crying big fat happy tears!
Posted by: Anne | June 18, 2006 at 02:41 PM
"My heart is healing faster than my incision" is just one of the awesome gifts of maternal love. Kids have a way of healing wounds you didn't even realize still hurt. I'm so glad you've been blessed with this experience.
Happy Father's Day to your beloved!
Posted by: Jaycie | June 18, 2006 at 02:59 PM
This was lovely Cecily. I too have found seeing my son with his father (and my true love) a great salve to my father issues. Have a wonderful Father's Day.
Posted by: Bluestocking | June 18, 2006 at 03:18 PM
That is so sweet. Made me tear up a little. Have a great day all three of you.
Posted by: Rayne of Terror | June 18, 2006 at 03:26 PM
Happy (first!) Father's Day, Charlie!!
Happy (first!) being able to experience Father's Day in a whole new light to you, Cecily.
much love
Posted by: Jon | June 18, 2006 at 03:36 PM
Maybe it's the hormones.... maybeit's the stalled labor.. but that made me cry.
Happy fathers day Charlie!!
Posted by: Korin | June 18, 2006 at 03:45 PM
so wonderful.....
Posted by: sarah | June 18, 2006 at 03:45 PM
KLEENEX!! AGAIN!.... :-)
Happy Father's Day, Charlie!!!
Posted by: Andrea in IN | June 18, 2006 at 04:09 PM
People! Stop Making Me Blub!
Posted by: Yatima | June 18, 2006 at 04:10 PM
Cecily,
As the daughter of divorced parents, who has recently distanced herself from her own father (too long to explain, other than to say I am tired of letting him constantly disappoint me), this post really resonated with me. My own husband is so different from my father, and such a wonderful father to our two children, that I understand completely the love that you are describing for Charlie. Its amazing. How blessed we both are to have found it; and how blessed you are to have Tori today to celebrate it. Enjoy the day.
Posted by: Amy | June 18, 2006 at 04:12 PM
Cec -
In Tori's tiny face I see all the struggles you and I have endured, and all the joys yet to come. I could not imagine a life without you both.
Posted by: Charlie | June 18, 2006 at 04:18 PM
Cecily, you brought tears to my eyes (not typically an easy thing to do). I am so glad you and Tori have Charlie. I am so glad you have your family.
Posted by: Stephanie | June 18, 2006 at 04:20 PM
Happy Father's Day, Charlie!!!
Posted by: Trish | June 18, 2006 at 04:50 PM
enough with the making me cry ovah here!
happy father's day charlie!!!
xoxo
Posted by: Nancy | June 18, 2006 at 05:10 PM
I know Charlie must be having the most AMAZING Fathers Day, and that makes me so happy :)
Isn't it a lot like falling in love all over again? First with your baby and again with your spouse. Wonderful stuff.
Posted by: maia | June 18, 2006 at 05:14 PM
Aww, such a touching post! i have a Daddy sized hole in my heart too that i know my kids will never have.
Posted by: Nina | June 18, 2006 at 05:47 PM
That was a beautiful heart warming post Cecily. How lucky both you and Tori are to have Charlie (and vice versa), he seems like such a wonderful Daddy and somehow I think that Tori has already got him wrapped around her tiny little pinkie.
I thought about Charlie as I logged on this afternoon and came over to wish him a very Happy Father's day.
Posted by: Dawn | June 18, 2006 at 05:54 PM
How lucky all 3 of you are to have one another. And what a beautiful post!
Posted by: Whitney | June 18, 2006 at 06:02 PM
Well. That may well have been the most beautiful post ever! I'm so happy for you Cec. I agree, that watching my husbands eyes well up when he watches our son, is the most beautiful thing in my life.
Congratulations on your amazing family.
Posted by: Melissa | June 18, 2006 at 06:04 PM