What I'm Worrying About This Time

I keep going back and reading my posts from this time in the last pregnancy. Of course, in another couple weeks there won't be anymore blog entries to read and compare/contrast with this pregnancy. But I keep getting struck with the things I was worrying about back then--like whether or not to go to church, and my fears about Bush being re-elected. That entry, by the way, a mere week before I lost the boys, contains this frighteningly prophetic statement:

My reality is that if the partial-birth abortion (a hideous, and inaccurate, name) stays in effect, if—God forbid—something went wrong in this pregnancy, and I had to terminate the pregnancy to save my own life or to save my babies from awful pain, my doctor would be forbidden from doing a dilation and extraction procedure.

I said that on October 18, 2004. On October 26, I was admitted to the hospital. Creepy.

Earlier in the pregnancy, I was worried about parenting techniques. I was worried about how my pets would be with the babies (two years later, NONE of those old cats have died). And I was registering for my baby shower.

It all seems crazy to me now. I'm not worried about any of the same things at all. Pets? They'll deal--if the baby comes. Parenting techniques? Whatever, we'll figure that out later (and probably just do whatever Moxie says). Baby shower? Sigh...

I am finding myself filled with dead baby thoughts (DBTs) these days. Remember, while I always say "lost the boys" like it happened all at once, losing them was actually a two-stage process. One baby died in utero somewhere between 20 and 22 weeks--the doctor's best guess, based on the size of the fetus, was around 21 weeks. Well, I'm a few days shy of 21 weeks now.

I have to tell you, I'm really fucking scared.

The reason the first twin died, it is assumed, is because pre-eclampsia can cause placenta failure, leading to intrauterine growth restrictions (and in severe cases, death of the fetus). Since I continue to remain pre-eclampsia free, so far, I really don't have to worry that much.

Yeah. Right.

I find my fears play themselves out in bizarre ways. For instance, I can no longer handle riding the train to work. It's too scary. I could slip on the stairs getting on the train, I could fall getting off. It might be crowded and I'd have to stand, swaying in the aisle, bumping into things. I have a near panic attack just thinking about it.

Charlie has been incredibly kind, driving me to work every day, even though it messes up his schedule and makes him drive an extra hour each day. I know I'm more at risk in a car than I am on the train, but I feel so much safer in the car. It's crazy.

I find myself obsessed with feeling the baby move. A couple weeks back I thought I was feeling something, but now I'm pretty sure that was just uterine twinges. I have yet to feel the same butterfly flutterings I felt with the boys--that crazy sensation of something moving inside and it's not me. According to everything I've read, I should be feeling the baby by now. Which causes a panic again. Even though the baby was clearly blooping around during last week's ultrasound, and we can hear the baby kicking and turning when we listen with the Doppler, I still feel panicked and terrified.

I'm hoping that as these next two weeks pass, as we cross the 23 week mark I'll begin to feel more relaxed. Hopefully I'll be feeling some movement and have that reassurance. Because I really need it, I have to say.

Oh, and did you know I'll be exactly 22.5 weeks on March 1st? I went into the hospital at 22.5 weeks with the boys, you know. And do you know what March 1st is? It should have been the boy's first birthday.

Oh, that God. So fucking HILARIOUS.

I've been working on trying to be more positive. So far throughout this whole pregnancy I've been completely resistant to the idea of having a baby shower. I figured, heck, we have a crib. We'll just get some onsies and diapers, and let everyone give us hand-me-downs for the rest, right? But I've found that my stance on this has softened of late; now I can picture myself in a room of people, big as a fucking house, fondling tiny little outfits. It's something I really don't want to miss.

So Charlie and I talked about it, and we've decided (uh, sorry Sarah, I haven't mentioned this to you yet) that if we cross that viability threshold--24 weeks--our friends can go ahead and plan something. The thought of a house full of baby stuff but no baby terrifies me; but I find myself longing to hang tiny things in a closet and put together a crib. It's either a nesting instinct or complete and utter envy of the nurseries of others.

The other positive thought that is keeping me going is, well, kinda sappy. But here goes.

A few weeks ago at church I was sitting quietly following the benediction, listening to the organist play a lovely piece by Bach. According to the program, this time is meant to be one of quiet reflection, so I closed my eyes. I found myself thinking about the baptism I'd witnessed at church a week earlier.

Most of the baptisms I've been to before have been small affairs, usually held in the sanctuary in the mid-afternoon, with just the family and friends attending. But at my church (perhaps this is true of all Methodist churches, I don't honestly know), the baptism is not only about dedicating the child to God, but welcoming the child to the congregation. So it's held as part of the normal service. My pastor clearly loves babies, and does a lovely baptism service.

So as I sat there, my eyes closed, listening to Bach, I could suddenly see our child's baptism. I could see all the people I love standing up with us; our mothers, Sarah and Pete and Sarah's daughter, Elise and her husband and daughter, my friend Dave and his girlfriend and her son, and everyone else, all of us crowding up there, all celebrating our baby and welcoming it to the world.

It was so clear, and just popped into my head as a fully finished thought. It was especially odd that Dave was there, since he lives in Arizona, and very funny to have all my Jewish friends up there too (but I wouldn't want it any other way). This vision has completely eliminated my worries about whether or not we'd baptize the baby, by the way. I mean, it's not like it can hurt, after all. And we all looked GOOD up there.

As I pictured it, for just a moment, I was so completely filled with joy I thought my heart would burst. When I told Charlie about it later, I couldn't do it without sobbing. It's the only time I've been able to picture the baby here.

So, as terrified as I am, I have this little shining moment of joy and hope to cling to. I hope it's enough to keep me grounded in the coming weeks. Whew. Time to hold on...

Comments

[Erin]

1.

Do you mind if I'm shedding a few tears of joy with you?
Let yourself feel that joy, focus on it, accept that you're going to worry every day because you're a mom...it's part of your life now.

[Mollie]

2.

I can see you up there too. I know it will happen.

*holding on tight*

[Cassie]

3.

If it's any comfort: remember that with the twins, there might not have been as much room for them to do backflips without kicking the uterine wall. If the girlie's got more room, she might not be doing as much kicking that you can feel.

...well, it's a guess.

Thinking lots of LBT (live baby thoughts) in your direction!

[Catherine]

4.

I love you Cecily. I am thinking and wishing and hoping and praying and vibing.

[Liz]

5.

Sending you all of the best thoughts I have...

[Naomi]

6.

I would be worried if you weren't worried. You're doing just fine!

[Elena]

7.

Cecily,

It's hard. It just is. Dealing with these anniveraries and dates and what ifs. I'm telling you Cecily, you and I are sooooo alike in that area!!

All I can tell you is I have every confidence that you're going to get through this and have a nice little baby to hold. I think lots of people are praying for you and holding you and Charlie and the baby up. Maybe your day dream is even a sign to you of all the prayers that are going up on your behalf.

Do something for the yourself and the boys on March 1. I don't know what. Something that is special and meaningful and comforting to you. We always visit my baby's grave on his birthday and take balloons and have birthday cake - that's what works for us. You'll make your own traditions and have your own way. I know you'll do something nice.

God Bless you Cecily!

[Ninotchka]

8.

That just made me cry, Cec. So beautiful!

[Journeywoman]

9.

Hold on lady, hold on!

[Jen (yup, another one)]

10.

It's not a rare thing for me to be made teary-eyed by a post. It happens multiple times a day (aren't hormones FUN?!). But I don't usually get moved to the point where the tears leave my eyes and roll down my cheeks. But they are now.

I so want you to have that shower and that beautiful baptism. Please, God/universe/somebody, please.

[Catherine]

11.

Thank you for sharing this. I've been reading for some time and following your journey. You have no idea how much it means to me to see hope returning to your life. I truly hope that your dream comes true.

[Spacemom]

12.

It is so damn hard to go through a pregnancy after a loss and NOT think about where you are and where you were.

Baby steps. Get through each milestone slowly. 21 weeks, 22 weeks, 23 weeks, get to that 24 and you will then be free to worry about the next 6 weeks.

Take it slow.

[persephone]

13.

Cecily, I don't know if you've covered this, it's just a small point: if the placenta is anterior, between you and the baby, it can muffle any movements so you don't feel them. Did they tell you what the placenta's position is?

Other than that, all I can say is I admire any amount of calmness you've been able to muster for this pregnancy, and I hope all your instincts are right, that this ending is going to be a happy one. Hang in there.

[Mia]

14.

All I can say is: I understand your fear and nothing except a healthy baby will make you feel better.

Maybe a nice prenatal massage would help...

I hope March 1 comes and goes quickly.

[wix]

15.

The first anniversary of a loss is almost always the most difficult. You're grieving, and it's completely normal for you to be having these thoughts. I'm not saying this to minimize how you're feeling, just to (hopefully) reassure you that you're not losing your mind, you're not -supposed- to be approaching these milestones with different thoughts in your head. This is absolutely part of the process. And the fact that you're pregnant now is like adding a couple of loops to an already crazy rollercoaster ride. This is a tremendous amount to handle, but you are doing a great job.

To catch up on the last pre-e watch, I wanted to be nosy and ask how much water you're drinking each day. I drink a lot (and did while pregnant), but my test results (for proteinuria) were always better when I had been strict with myself about getting enough water each day. I know that for overweight folks the standard 8x8 water rule is inadequate, but I can't recall how much water you're supposed to drink for every 10 pounds you are considered to be overweight. If I can figure out the right phrase to search, I'll let you know!

[Elizabeth]

16.

I'm pulling for you all the way.

[KelliAmanda]

17.

I think it's a good sign that you were able to picture your baby being welcomed to the world with your family and friends. Sending you good thoughts.

[Mary]

18.

Oh, honey, what a beautiful vision of you, all of your loved ones and the baby! Isn't funny how all of the silly little fears fall away from the big fears of pregnancy. I hear ya re being fucking terrified. I am 5 weeks from the same time that I lost my baby at 21 weeks and I KNOW that as that date draws closer I will be more and more freaky. Here's hoping that, after we pass those dates, our anxiety will reduce at least a little. Tho I know that we will continue to be freaked out until we bring our beautiful babies home from the hospital. Here's hoping for both of us!

[Wavery]

19.

I hope you find and can do everything to protect and care for yourself right now. Lovely image and all.

[cursingmama]

20.

It's amazing what silent reflection can give you. I'm hopeful that you'll be able to move past the fears that you're justified feeling and be able to grab onto the hope and unmitigated joy.
As always - best wishes

[grace]

21.

Thinking good thoughts and wishing you only happy events.

[Gerah]

22.

Sunday night I was on the sofa reading and realized I wasn't feeling any baby kicks. This was the time of evening that I usually get a ton of movement... But nothing.

Then I realized I really hadn't felt anything all day, and started to panick.

Monday things were back to normal. Baby must have just been tired. My point is - every mom to be has these worries, but for you, after losing your babies, I can't imagine how scary it must be.

I quit going to church years ago. Your thoughts on baptism actually make me think about going back.

Thanks for sharing your stories and thoughts. Hang in there!

[CJ]

23.

After reading your post I thought about how I felt. I lost twins like you at the half way point for reasons unknown to me. When I got pregnant with Gracie - fear fear fear fear that is all I had until week 23. I don't know WHY I came to be at peace with things but I did. I had many moments of dead baby thoughts and cried a lot too.... I didn't buy anything and waited until the last minute (literally the friday before she was born) that I bougth things for my baby. In retrospect that was goofy - and caused for a whole lot of "things to do" in a very short time. Part of having a baby is getting ready for it... I think your idea is wise to wait until after the specific week you want.... NOT because doing it before then would be bad, but emotionally THAT is wehn you can enjoy it. So deal with the DBT, and hopefully the LBT will sink in more and more and the DBT will be a thing of the past. ENJOY getting ready for that baby..... Once they are here you'll have a whole new set of worries. :) Really I have faith that this will work for you. I am full of LBT just for you.

[Nancy]

24.

thinking of u and charlie!
the jews AND the irish dont do showers
but they do christenings here(not us of course)
so basically my kid gets jilted!
but to be honest i just want a healthy baby, gift enough!
i cant wait til you're in week 24, i'll raise a glass of apple juice!xoxo

[elecriclady]

25.

When you picture everyone you know standing up there celebrating and welcoming your baby, don't forget the virtual presence of thousands of us blogreaders, crowding around and sending lots of hope and good wishes. This might just be the most anticipated and celebrated baby EVER.

[April]

26.

I truly hope that you will have the beautiful baptism of your dreams! I will be praying for you and Charlie and baby. You are such a beautiful person and are going to be a wonderful mother.

April

[Milenka]

27.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you.

[Sarah]

28.

*rubbing hands together in anticipation of you crossing the 24 week mark, shower ideas dancing around in my head*

XXXOOO

[Ellen]

29.

Aw, honey, you make me cry. I am so glad you are able to think good thoughts. It's so hard to expect good things when you've been slammed so badly, but they're so beautiful, those hopes.
Praying for you.
And wow, do all Methodist churches play classical music? That sounds so lovely. I don't have a very wide range of Protestant experiences (being Catholic - where you have a choice, btw, of being baptized within the community, the prefered way, or privately) but that sounds very lovely.

[Maayan]

30.

I can't tell you how hard I'm praying for you. I don't know that my prayers count for very much, but I've been checking your and persephone's blogs obsessively, and every day while I wait for the blogs to load, I send up a "Please G-d, let this go well for them."

[Kirsten]

31.

I don't know if it helps, but I didn't tend to feel my kids until closer to 22 or 23 weeks.

I know it's so hard until you make it to the point of holding a baby in your arms, but I believe that your instincts will help pave the way to truth - I like the image of your child's baptism.

Hug that belly tight!

[JerriAnn]

32.

With my first pregnacy i didn't know untill i was 5 months along. I didn't feel her really move untill about 7 months. I know the feeling. My fingers are crossed for you too.

[Carrie Jo]

33.

Sending lots of good vibes your way.

[Melanie]

34.

I love the vision of the baptism-- it's making me happy, and making me happy to think of you feeling good.

Now I gotta go write Sarah about stuff. ;o)

[Amyesq]

35.

I just SO thinking of you and praying for you every day right now. And probably will be for the next ten weeks or so. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. You can do this.

[spit]

36.

What a great vision. Cling to it.

[carosgram]

37.

People with a lot less history than you worry like crazy while pregnant. You sound like you are handling this all very well. When my grandaughter was baptised in the Methodist church it was just as you described. Your blog brought it all back and my eyes filled with tears again remembering the joy and sense of community. I am sending all the good juju I have your way!

[Sara]

38.

It sounds like the Methodist baptism service is very similar to the Episcopal.

At my church, the baptism ends with the priest announcing "Let us welcome the newly baptized," and then moves directly into the Peace. And our priest, who clearly loves a baptism, carries the baby with him around the congregation as he exchanges the peace.

I'm imagining him carrying your baby right now... :)

I am a tall, strapping woman, and I had an anterior placenta, and I didn't feel anything until about 22-23 weeks... It stank on ice not to feel things for weeks after other people do... but he made up for it later...

[Leggy]

39.

This is exactly why I'm struggling so much with whether I should do an FET or just say the hell with it and start adoption paperwork. I don't know if I can make it through 9 months of panic given my current state of mind.

FWIW, I've been wondering how come you haven't talked much about DBT so far. Of course you are worried. Its completely understandable and normal. Hell, I obsess about dead babies and my losses weren't nearly as horrific as yours.

I also think the anticipation of "anniversaries" (eg, 3/1, 22.5 weeks), is very wearing on the soul. Hopefully as you move into March, make it past 22 weeks, and the weather gets better, it will be easier. I think these next few weeks are gonna suck and the only way to stay sane is to have lots of distractions. Any good movies coming out?

[Christine]

40.

Deep breaths.

And when you get to the point you're comfortable - whatever that point is for you - you deserve to celebrate and be showered to your heart's content. Enjoy it.

P.S. The pets will be fine. Maybe just a little put out at first.

[Julie]

41.

You made me cry :)

Maybe the dates are the boys ways of telling you that they are ok and are watching over you and the new baby? I hope I don't upset you by saying that.

[Libby]

42.

That image totally made me cry with happiness.

I am sorry this is so hard, but I think that it's certainly understandable why you are having DBTs. I hope that you feel better soon. I'll be thinking about you.

[Cyl]

43.

Your posts throughout the pregnancy go right to the heart of me. I don't really know how I found these blogs about infertility...maybe I was trying to find something for my best friend, who has secondary infertility. But I'm so glad I found you here, and that I've been able to read along. My prayers are with you, Charlie, and the little babe.

[Carly]

44.

just a lurker, but wanted to say hang in there...

at one appointment I had, the nurse asked me how I could possibly sleep with the way the baby was moving, because did he move around like that all the time?

I didn't have ANY idea what she was talking about. I honestly didn't feel him moving, and he was moving around so much she had to keep chasing after him to listen to his heartbeat. So you might just be like me and not feel it, you know?

Just try to get through these weeks one day at a time. You can do it.

best regards,
C

[Toni]

45.

Holding on with you, babe. I think it's really sweet that Charlie drives you to work, too.

[carmie]

46.

cecily,

i was really worried about not feeling any movement when i hit 20 weeks. but, my midwife told me it can range anywhere from 16-24 weeks. yes, 24. and sure enough, around the 22 week mark, i felt the flutter of little feet. here's hoping the same for you.

i will be thinking of you as march 1st looms. i am really inspired by your positive thinking, visualizing your child's baptism.

[Summer]

47.

I'm sure somebody has said this already (I haven't read through all the comments), but next time you get DBT's, chase it with the image of your baby's baptism and hold onto that.

[Kerry]

48.

I swear you are my long lost soul sister! I am currently pregnant after an unexplained 2nd trimester loss. I'm a freaking MESS. I won't fill your comments with my sob story, you can check out my blog if you want to know all about me and my boring and fear filled life!

But I just wanted to come say hello and let you know that the date irony you've got going on is happening here as well. Sucks major ass and I'm so not looking forward to our date of March 10th.

Take care, stay strong and pass along any tips you've got to making it to and through the point of your loss.

[Linda B]

49.

Damn, you're good at making me cry.
The image of the baby's baptism sounds lovely. I can't wait for the day you post about it :)

[jennyg]

50.

I did not feel anything until really late (like, 24 weeks at the earliest). I think we bigger girls simply don't feel it as early. Please don't worry about the things you don't have to worry about. You have enough to worry about. Being in this constant state of near-panic isn't good for you or anyone else (like you don't know this), but perhaps really trying to enforce some strict mental control could help. And the water exercise will help with that too. Try to take it easy and do things for yourself.

[Bluestocking]

51.

A beautiful vision - hang on to it.

I had an entirely uneventful pregnancy and worried the entire time. I mean, a lot of worrying and insomnia. So I can't begin to fathom what you're going through. I've got not advice for you. I know you've got wonderfully supportive people around you and that has got to help.

I didn't feel any movement until late-ish. I think us more well padded ladies tend that way.

[Lisa]

52.

I read your site all the time, but don't comment often(if ever). But I want you to know,that this post touched me deeply. Many many people are here holding on with you.

[Tanya]

53.

Cecily, that was such a beautiful post. Things are going to work out for you this time. They just are.

[Whitney]

54.

I assume all Methodist churches do the same....ours has a "dedication ceremony" where the pastor "sprinkles" the baby with water (and our current pastor uses water from the Dead Sea I believe), there's an invitation for all friends and family to stand up with the parents, it's really a lovely ritual. I was raised Baptist and we did it pretty much the same way only without the "sprinkling", we were fully immersed in a baptismal pool when old enough to decide for ourselves. Interesting how it differs from church to church!

Anyway. I'm going to imagine a lovely baptism for you and your baby. Thinking LBTs very hard here for you, and saying prayers for you each day.

[Julie O]

55.

Wow, I love this post so much. The mix of fear and hope must be hard and exhausting, but it sounds like hope is winning.

My new nephew is being baptised next Sunday. I'm a little sad that, as a lasped Catholic, my brother couldn't ask me to be the godmother.

Anyway, it was awesome to hear you last night. A lot of what you said stuck with me today, particularly the part about having so many wonderful people in your life and how you know you'll be okay because of it. I think you vision of your baby's baptism bears that out.

[Kathleen999]

56.

I'm sitting here bawling after I just put my boys to bed...it kills me every time you talk about losing your boys because I had those same exact fears all the way through and kept making my doctor test me for pre-e. I kept staring at a chart that said what week had what percentage of survival, and I was just living to get past each milestone. like it was a promise that my babies would be okay. We never get to be blissful once we've had a loss.

I think she's a girl and I also think that vision is a true one. I had one like that in church a long time ago and I still believe that God sent it to me. Maybe he's comforting you so you can let go of those awful DBTs. I am praying for you too. Hang in there, the weeks will go by and you will start feeling amazed that they have passed the danger zone.

I also think you need an online shower so the rest of us can participate!

[Momma Bee]

57.

Wow, what a post. Beautiful and scary and wonderful and more all in one. Know that there are so many of us holding on with you...

[Jessica]

58.

Sadly, I know exactly how you feel. My son was born at 23 weeks and didn't survive and that 23rd week in my pg with my daughter was TOUGH. My dr took pity on me and scheduled me for an ultrasound that day just to try and help a little. Maybe try that? Also, with my first pregnancy I made an elaborate birth plan and gave it to my Dr and the 23rd week appt. (No epidural, no IV, breastfeed right away, etc.) That night I was in the hospital delivering. Next go round, the birth plan consisted of three words- "Bring. Baby. Home."

I would be happy to share more on what we have done for anniversaries and such or just commiserate. Email me if you want!

[Amanda]

59.

You're so close! And I'm so glad you had at least one moment of baby-clarity. It's the only thing that makes a pregnancy tolerable.

And don't worry about not feeling the baby kick. Let the baby's heartbeat reassure you. Usually only skinny women can feel much kicking before twenty weeks. It's later for the rest of us.

[Jane]

60.

Your vision of the baptism is a beautiful image. Keep carrying it close to your heart.

[TracyB]

61.

So happy you are picturing your baby's christening! When we had our son, after many years of trying and weeks of sheer terror of an unknown condition, we honestly didn't know if he would make it. When he was declared healthy, we had the darn biggest and happiest christening known to man. OK, maybe not the biggest, but damn we had a LOT of happy people with us in our little Lutheran church. It was truly the most wonderful day I have spent in church since our wedding. It was that moment that I knew I was finally **there**. At motherhood. At the best of it. And that all that we went through was so very, very worth it.

So happy for you!

[christa]

62.

I'm not a churchgoer, but your image of how you imagine the christening brought a big flood of tears. I'm keeping my fingers and my toes crossed for you, especially over the next few weeks, and sending good thoughts your way.

[anglophilia]

63.

There's no right or wrong way to feel about all of this. Just feel it. Be scared, be apprehensive, be excited. We're here with you no matter how you feel or how you express those feelings.

Re: the baby moving... if you can hear her flipping on the doppler then know she's okay. You might just be carrying her in a different spot from the boys. (I, too, picture a girl... and have since your first post about her... not that this is in anyway significant...)

[Sophia]

64.

I know you don't know me from Eve but I'm sending you all the cyber hugs and positive energies you need to hold on

[Aisha]

65.

This post made me cry. Sending many warm thoughts and prayers your way.

[Korin]

66.

Thinking of you.. and hoping these next couple of weeks pass quickly and successfully.
You mademe cry... again! ;)

[R]

67.

My God, Cecily, that is so beautiful. I haven't been commenting a lot lately but I've been thinking of you and holding my breath as your site loads up every day. All kinds of good thoughts to you...may things be wonderfully uneventful for you as the weeks go on.

[Lisa]

68.

It's been a long time since I've commented, Cecily. But this post has me crying tears of joy for you!

I think the fact that you will be 22.5 weeks on the anniversary of your boys' due date is in fact, a good sign. And the image in my head of you, Charlie, your little one, and all your family and friends present at the baptism of your child is absolutely beautiful.

You're in my thoughts as you approach this difficult milestone in your pregnancy, and always. Many good wishes to the three of you!

[Melissa]

69.

What a long and painful struggle you have had, to have the one thing that is most important to you, your baby.
My heart aches for your loss of your sons.
Life seems so cruel and unforgiving sometimes.
But, Cecily your baby is holding her own now. Try to take a deep breath and enjoy your wonderful baby. You are almost to that
point, just hang on, hang on to her.
You are a strong and loving person.
I wish I could give you a hug and some comfort. Keep invisioning positive thoughts like the baptism.
May God keep you and that precious baby safe and sound.

[Liv]

70.

I remember finally being pregnant and stressing every day until I saw the little gummy baby on our first ultrasound. I waited and waited for the first flutterings of movement. Oddly enough, I didn't feel the first ones. I noticed the baby moving one night when I was laying on the couch. I had the TV remote laying on my stomach and it started making tiny see-saw movements. I couldn't feel anything but I saw her moving what was laying on my stomach. As for the rest of your post, if I were in your shoes, I would be a nervous wreck too, but remember this; if you are stressed, your baby will feel it... relax and put the TV remote on your belly.

[baseballmom]

71.

I remember watching ultrasounds and wondering why, when they were moving around so much, couldn't I feel them? It was, I think around 23 weeks when I felt them in both of my pregnancies. I also remember bringing Alex home in the carrier/carseat and setting it on the table when we walked in the door (bad, I know) and it started rocking a little...our Lab went crazy barking at it and looking all sideways like, "What the heck is that?" He was used to our bigger kid! Hang in there, and think good thoughts like we all are for you!

[Kaushal]

72.

Cecily, I know it is very hard to do and easy to say, but you just have to remain positive at this point. Cling to all the positive thoughts you can generate and just think of a beautiful, alive baby... Every pregnancy is different and you are doing everything you can to make sure this is definitely going to be different than the last one... I am a mother of an eight-month-old baby boy and I seriously believe that your thoughts when you are pregnant filter down to your child. I believe that the baby will surely know if you are happy or otherwise. Please *do* try and think of happy thoughts and *be* happy! (I know, I know, it is easy to say/preach; difficult to do.)

About not feeling the kicks yet... I am thinking it is either to do with the position of the placenta or the fact that you are on the heavier side. I have a friend who is probably as heavy as you are and could not feel the movements until late in her sixth month/early in the seventh month.

[sarah]

73.

i love you cecily. i dont even know you, i've just been reading quietly all these months but i wanted you to know how much i am praying for you guys and the little one. may god make the way easy for you....

[ivyblogs]

74.

I'm glad you want to have a shower. I didn't want one for my second because I had a lot of worries about that pregnancy, but one was forced upon me and it meant a lot.

You just made me remember that I couldn't feel the baby for the longest time in my second pregnancy either. I remember telling my obstetrician that I never felt the baby move but then on the ultra sound she was moving all over the place!Could have been because my first was much bigger. Maybe it's common to not notice the baby's movements as easily in the second pregnancy. Maybe your uterous gets less sensitive or something. I do know that even when I did feel my daughter, it still didn't feel the same as my son- he'd felt like a large trout rolling around in there and my daughter felt like a tiny ninja ricocheting back and forth. I'd been looking for the same trout feeling with my girl.

[Sandy]

75.

It's been a while since I commented, although I still read every new post. I have so much going through my mind as a result of this post Cecily. So much. The combination of Bach, serenity, acceptance and baptism. Hang onto that. The approach to week 23, and some of the fears you voiced in this post, pushed old tape buttons for me related to Brodie, and I feel bad even voicing that out loud here. But I was there - and remember that awful, worry filled feeling that you describe here. I feel like I want to physically drag you across that invisible week 23 line ... but since I can't be there in person I'm going to have to do that dragging in a prayer filled way from my little part of the world. So I'll drag from my end, and you hang onto that vision. Deal?

[Keisha]

76.

I can only empathize with you I can't say I know what you are going through cause that would be a lie. My advice is to be encouraged I strongly believe everything will be alright. You have so much support and prayer warriors looking out for you and let's not forget Sarah's daughter drop your name in the prayer box half of it has already came through you just have to believe the rest will too. That post just like this one holds a lot of hope for me.

[mamadaisy]

77.

You are going to be ok now that you can see a happy ending (even if you can only see it for a few minutes). Sending you strength and lots of hugs. You are doing a fabulous job.

[Jen]

78.

Oh Cecily, you are such a beautiful writer. I remember having the same fears throughout my pregnancies. The first time I felt Joshua was an absolute stunning moment. It will happen for you. She probably does have a lot more room in there than the boys. I will say a little prayer for you on the 1st for comfort and joy. The boys will always be a part of you, so if you feel like it, celebrate your love for them. Maybe have a candlelight ceremony in your house with all your friends to celebrate their remarkable lives.

[Maura]

79.

Count me in as another commenter moved to tears. I think of you often and fervently pray for the safe arrival of your little one. I missed your housewarming, but would move heaven and earth to see you happily hold up a little onesie at a shower!

When I imagine the happy Baptism of your child, I see not only the packed congregation of friends, but the spirits of all of your friends in the computer (kinda like hovering angels) all smiling down and moved to happy tears as we all share in the welcoming of this new person to the world together!

You're such a beautiful person, Cecily. Thank you for once again touching my life!

[Mandy]

80.

I want to say something, but I feel tongue-tied (finger-tied?). I was moved to tears, too, and I don't even know you. I remember the (often irrational) fear I felt during my own pregnancy, and I didn't have the history you do. It must be paralyzing for you at times. I'm sure you will feel your little jumping bean any day now. Keep holding on to those beautiful visions, and enjoy the hell out of your baby shower.

[Heidi]

81.

I can't tell you how exciting it is to read that you are picturing what it will be like with your baby here. That is so wonderful.

I also want to comment on how articulate you are. I always know (or I think I do) exactly how you are saying the things you type. "God is fucking HILARIOUS" Love it!! You definitely deserve the million or more hits you have on this site, it is never ever a let down!!

[Diana]

82.

Everyone loves you. Reading the comments has me as mesmerized as reading your posts.
I don't think the thoughts go away.
But the visual you had must be a great sign. I'll be at the christening in spirit, with the other thousand bloggers/followers.

[Kristin]

83.

Sugar, you just have to lie in bed, have your hubby wait on you, keep the Doppler batteries fresh, rub your tummy lovingly and try to keep the panicking to a minimum. I made myself sick over not feeling any movement in April for a late August due date....but the doppler kept me sane and then, wouldn't you know, there was kicking and moving, and somersaulting and all that stuff! Keep fighting the good fight!

[Sarah]

84.

Grief is a bitch on wheels. I'll be one of the angels hovering at the baptism.
Love,
Sarah

[mirabel]

85.

Lovely post, Cecily.

As always, my fingers are crossed for you.

[Brandi]

86.

When I was pregnant with my 1st I also couldn't wait to feel her move. I laid on the floor on my back. I think you should try it.

I felt her move after laying that way for about 10 minutes!

[Jenn in AK]

87.

First of all, March 1st is MY birthday. Just focus on that.

Also, I'm overweight and was before I got pregnant. I didn't feel the baby move a lot until 22ish weeks. I have a friend who barely felt either of her kids move. It will get to the point that you'll be wishing the baby would sleep cuz you can't sleep with someone kicking you all night. Thank God for good books.

Jenn

[Kim]

88.

My daughter smiled and cooed as my Pastor baptized her. He still talks about it. He says it was like she KNEW something special was happening.

You're (all) in my thoughts and prayers.

[halloweenlover]

89.

I'm teary eyed too! What a beautiful dream. I believe that dream will come true.

[wealhtheow]

90.

I wish I had something more enlightening or reassuring to say other than what I feel like I'm always posting--I'm holding you, Charlie and the baby in my thoughts on a pretty much daily basis, and if hope and good wishes made a difference, you'd have the healthiest baby and the easiest pregnancy in the world. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us.

[j]

91.

I can't honestly imagine how difficult this part of your pregnancy must be, after what happened with your boys. We're all counting the days with you until you hit 24 weeks. Glad you have a happy image to hold on to.

[BeenThere]

92.

Cecily,

Absolutely beautiful post.I've read then re-read it 3 times! I sure wish I had the talent and skill you have at expressing yourself in writing. You're one of the few people I read that I think would be very much IRL like they write. Rare.

It's been 9+ years so my memories are bit hazy and I'm too lazy to dig out my pregnancy journals but I'm pretty sure I didn't feel the twins move until about 30 weeks. Yeah I know it would seem impossible but I do remember worrying between every ultrasound and stress test but yup they were there and fine. Hope you feel some of that reassuring movement real soon.

Looking forward to more long posts from you.

[Dana]

93.

C is nearly 8 mo old and I JUST NOW kinda sorta think I might get to keep her - not just some bad dream. and I didnt go through an iota of what you did!

all I can say is try to just enjoy the moments as they are and not think ahead -

I had lots of movement one day, none for a couple etc etc till 23, 24 weeks easily - if baby is head down and head towards your back then that is esp normal.

I know the worry is just sickening though, hang in there!

[liz]

94.

Big hugs and still keeping my appendages crossed.

[OnTheFence]

95.

There were many times when I got pregnant I just knew it wasn't going to result in a bundle of joy at the end. I didn't see a baby at the end of the tunnel.
With each of my full term pregnancies that resulted in live babies, I had had visions, dreams of their existence. Even when we adopted I saw us coming home with a baby.
In my last pregnancy that resulted in Katie, she seemed so real before she was ever here. I knew it was a girl. I could see her with us, before I ever knew what she looked like. With my last two bio kids it was like God was giving me the inside track that "hey, this time its going to happen".
I have to say it renewed my faith, the skeptic that I am.

[Kim]

96.

There is nothing I can say to comfort you. You alone can comfort with your lovely baptism. Hope is hard to come by with your past experience, but none of the fears you have unnatural. Every mom has those fears when pregnant. Yours are just a bit stronger than most. One step in front of the other, one day to the next. It is what you do to get by. Hold on tight because right now in this moment. You are okay and so is your baby.

[Sunny]

97.

You've found that you can hope again! This is a good thing, even though it's so scary. Add me to the list of those moved to tears. I can't hope for myself yet, but honey if it helps I'm hoping and praying with all my heart for you and this little baby.

[Abby]

98.

When my mom was pregnant with me - I was her first and she was terrified, of course - I never moved. She would CRY and CRY thinking I was dead, but I wasn't. I slept. I was lazy.

I'm not much different now.

So don't stress. Just think - you've got a laid-back kid (later teen) in there and that is a very excellent thing. (Ask my mom, my youngest sis never stopped moving. She still does, at almost 22. Not. Laid. Back. HA.)

And we do the baptism thing, too, but we call it Christening for infants. I always cry and can't wait to put my Christening gown on my baby. (I'm Moravian, by the way.)

[T]

99.

Cecily,
If it makes you feel any better, I am the founder and administrator for a private discussion board for women who've experienced stillbirths and neonatal losses and all of us who have been blessed with a pregnancy after our loss have shared your feelings- and many others that you didn't mention in this post. You are very normal and it is possible that you will not ever feel "safe" when it comes to this baby until she is in your arms (it was that way for me, that's for sure). You just do whatever it is you need to do to get through each moment- sometimes that's trying to remain positive, sometimes that's crying or not taking the train- whatever. It takes so much courage to try again after such a devastating loss of your sons so try to keep reminding yourself of your strength- even if you don't feel it at a particular moment.

[Renee]

100.

What an unbelievably perfect post. It clearly says much of what I have been feeling this time around, and more beautifully then I could ever phrase it. I had to show it to my husband, because he really doesn't understand that sometimes when I am crying at the computer it can be a good thing.

I am sending you all of my positive thoughts and wishes. Thank you for sharing your pain and your joy. Best. Blog. Ever.