Yesterday morning I awoke to an NPR story about two mothers
whose sons were killed in Iraq. One of them said, “I saw a photo of an Iraqi
woman, dressed in a long black robe, holding on to a coffin. I knew the look on
her face, because it was my face. I just wanted to fly over there and give her
a hug.”
I remember when I was pregnant realizing that if I had sons someone could send them to war. The thought paralyzed me with fear. The idea of my child, across the world fighting, killing, and dying was too awful to consider.
When I think about Nicholas and Zachary, I mourn the loss of potential. They’ll never pee on me as I change a diaper. I won’t see their first steps, or send them off on their first day of school. Sometimes I can imagine what they would have looked like, especially when I look at photos of Charlie as a boy.
But the women on NPR are mourning true memories. While my sadness is like getting a tooth drilled, their sadness must be more like teeth being extracted without anesthesia. I cannot comprehend the grief and agony they are in.
As the count of American soldiers killed in Iraq continues to arise, I have to admit: it could have been worse. There are 2,004 mothers across the nation weeping over their children. Crying over photos of first steps and first days in school.
Although my heart is broken, it breaks a little more thinking of them. Tonight I will say a prayer for all of us—all mothers and want-to-be-mothers, each of grieving in our different ways.
Thinking about it now, I wonder what insanity possessed me to proceed with an embryo transfer this month. If it had not been successful, I can’t imagine how I would have felt yesterday and today, the anniversary of our loss.
But it did work, and my beta doubled perfectly to 743. Next beta will be on Saturday, and our first ultrasound will probably be Monday or Tuesday. Personally, I think we’re looking at a single (with the twins, my beta tripled—not that betas are the best way to predict, but still). Charlie and Sarah both are convinced it’s a girl. I’ve always wanted a girl, but at this point I’m not too fussy. I just want a baby that isn’t dead.
I will keep you all posted as things develop. Thanks for all your kind words of yesterday.
