Vacation!

You won't be hearing much from me folks as I'll be spending the next five nights here, where the projected high will be a lovely 82 degrees instead of the 142 degrees it's been in my city all week.

As a follow-up to our marvelous blog ettiquete discussion, Tertia asked what is the most appropriate way to handle writing about real life friends and family in your blog.

I will leave you this topic to discuss in my absence. Enjoy!

Comments

[Laura GF]

1.

None of my real life friends or family know I have a blog, but I've read enough stories on the blogs I love to be careful anyway. My rule of thumb is that not everything has to be sweet, but it has to be true. And it has to be something I'd say to that person's face, or at least feel comfortable having a conversation about should they come across my site. Anyone who knows me would immediately recognize me from my blog, but what are the chances they will come across it? I don't know... and that, for me, is the whole point.

[swisschard]

2.

I want to say another something on behalf of the lurkers who hardly deserve such a sinister name. I am a lurker, most of the time. There are many reasons why quiet readers might not comment:
1)as many commenters have already said, it sometimes feel as though anything we say would be superfluous, as it has already been said by so many commenters (many of us are careful enough readers that we read comments as well as stories);
2)as some have mentioned, we feel absurdly shy about leaving a comment -- the same chest-flittering and cheek-reddening that engulfs us when we participate in group discussions comes on in this anonymous forum;
3)we are not always as quick at reading, and so the conversation has moved on beyond us by the time we read the relevant entry, or by the time we gather the nerve to respond. (In my case, I live in a different part of the world, and so Imy timing is quite off.)
I read many infertile/infertiled blogs. Though I don't like using "infertile" as a proper noun, or at least not as my proper noun, I have certainly experienced (and am experiencing) infertility. The stories I read move me, and I support many of the women whose stories I follow. (This includes you, Cecily.)
The comparison of lurking to eating a meal and not joining the discussion seems to me unfair. First of all, there is a difference between writing a single story that infinite people can partake in, and tailoring your dinner to your guests. This is one reason why you blog, isn't is? (Becuase it expands your circle.) And in any case, don't you invite your shy friends as well as your vociferous one to dinner? I do, because some of the quietest are the most loyal, and I can accept their silence as something other than greed or a tinge of voyeurism. If you are trying or willing to reach out to different folks, you should know that differences manifest themselves not only in the opinions expressed, but in the mode of expression.
Now, having written such a long and high-horsed entry, I had better click on the "Post" button before my habitual shyness returns and I -- once again -- delete my comment.

[Lala]

3.

You go Camper girl!

[Sarah]

4.

Hi swisschard...I don't know if you think this or not, but I wanted to just clarify something. Cec didn't say SHE felt that lurkers were akin to the dinner party analogy. She said someone else said that but that she herself doesn't feel that strongly about it.

That said, I bet she'll be thrilled that you 'de-lurked' to say something anyway! ;-)

[Deanna]

5.

I don't always write a note when I check out a blog but if I have something to add I will. For example, day before yesterday, I commented on almost every blog I read and it felt good. Even if it was just a "hello" or "I feel for you" comment. I left the blog feeling like a good neighbor delivering cookies!

[carmie]

6.

i don't comment very much because i'm kind of shy, and always second-guess my comments, usually deleting them.

but on the topic of real-life friends and family - i don't use real names and i don't say anything to greatly compromise their privacy (where they live, attend school, work, etc). i also don't write anything i wouldn't say to their face. i'm pretty careful when i post pictures as well - no license plates or street numbers.

and camping! you lucky, lucky girl. eat some marshmallows for me, k?

[Cath]

7.

Have a super time honey, you deserve it!

[Leggy]

8.

I write about the people closest to me, but I don't use real names. I don't write about most of my friends because there would be really mad about it.

But your discussion from yesterday got me thinking more about blog etiquette- I picked up the theme on my blog (I would have trackbacked, but I don't know how.)

Anyway, the thing that concerns me is if people I know don't that I am blogging about them and I discussed it on my blog, is that fair? For example, sometimes I complain about people (like husband or inlaws) and then a few days, weeks, months later, I don't really feel that way anymore. But there is something about the fact that those angry, frustrated feelings are "still out there" on the Net, and it makes me seem more angry, frustrated than maybe I ever really was. Its that whole posterity thing- if the inlaws ran across something I was pissed about 6 months ago, would they recognize that it doesn't mean I'm still pissed?

That's something I struggle with and am working on how to resolve.

[Rebekah]

9.

I write almost exclusively about our immediate family, but if I'm going to write about our lives, including friends and extended family is unavoidable. I don't use anyone's full name (initials only), and I don't write anything I wouldn't want the individual to read themselves. And I TRY not to give too much info about their location. Only my SIL knows I have a blog (and my DH), and she knows I'd prefer that no one else find out about it if possible.

[Heatherg]

10.

Oh C-
Why do you do this to me? I am so jealous, I want and need a vacation! The link was great! Take photos for me!! Lucky girl! Enjoy!

As for blog rules, i just dunno. Seems to me like it would be really touchy. I dont want my sis-in-law or anyone writing about me, and would be pissed if i even "saw myself" in one of her "characters". I figure, if i wanted the net to know MY business, i would have my own blog. I just dunno..... although, i am really interested to read these comments and find out what others think.

[Chantal]

11.

I avoid using names, beyond my immediate family members and NEVER, EVER do I say anything that I would not say to that person's face. The same goes for anyone I don't know IRL life either. I don't have two different personas for online and IRL. If I have something really sinister to say about someone, I say it to my husband. Otherwise, if I'm writing about a friend or family member, I know that if I go back and read it, I will remember what I was getting at or what "they did" at that time. KWIM?

[Sheri]

12.

I swear you find the coolest spots to go on vacation. This one looks AWESOME!! Have a great time, take tons of pictures to share and have a couple drinks for me will ya?

[Kate]

13.

I only mention my family members and close friends in passing, because all of them would hate it if I wrote about them, and I feel like it's an invasion of their privacy. If I write about them at all, it's only about my reactions or thoughts or whatever as they relate to them. Not about them specifically. If I write about less good friends or people I know, I usually give them a pseudonym. I write about my husband all the time, but he reads my blog and doesn't mind. If I had kids, I'd probably write about them too.

I'm particularly sensitive to this, though, because my sister had a journal and she wrote horrible shit about the rest of us and I was sort of devastated when I find out.

[Debe]

14.

have fun!

[elayne]

15.

I think this is the first time I've ever delurked... and I'd like to give a hearty WORD to most of SwissChard's comments on the lurking phenom.

On the friends-and-family thing... y'all will probably hate me, but I pretty much say whatever I want about anyone I want. I use my real name and the real (first) names of most people I mention; I have mentioned my town so often that I don't know how anyone could miss it (my border town has a different "culture" than most of the US and sometimes it needs explaining).

At first, this was just laziness and not-really-thinking-about-it on my part, but when it did eventually come up and I wondered if I should expunge any reference to any other person on my blog, I decided emphatically not to. Part of the reason is this: My brother is currently in prison for attempted murder, for stabbing someone in the throat because the voices told him to. For more than ten years my brother struggled with schizophrenia, and for more than ten years my parents did the "Now we mustn't mention this to anyone, this is no one's business but our own" thing. We were kept very insulated and isolated, and the "no one needs to know what goes on behind closed doors" mindset was carefully cultivated. To this day, my father feels that it is no one's business - not the courts', not the victim's, not the doctors' - that my brother's assault was spurred by delusions of sexual abuse. It has only been through talking openly about the things that have gone on, that I have learned that the 'that's no one else's business' attitude has been used, in my family, as a cover for abuse and avoidance and enabling. My decision to say whatever I please is somewhat of a backlash, but I stand by it. It's caused some problems; for instance my ex-husband is currently frothing at the mouth that I've told my side of a story online. He also maintains that it's no one else's business - because he can't stand that for the first time in over 15 years, I'm getting support and reinforcement from others, and not letting him bully, manipulate, and emotionally abuse me. He would much prefer that I kept everything strictly confidential, because then I wouldn't be getting support or advice from anyone and would be much more easily manipulated. Not all that much different from my parents.

I understand and respect the positions of those who feel differently; in a few years, once my backbone has fully grown in, perhaps I'll feel more that way than this. But for now, in my life experiences, "That's no one else's business" has almost always meant "I want to maintain control over you." I am perhaps too open - it's a result of being too secretive for so long. Maybe I'll "even out" in a while.

[halloweenlover]

16.

Have a great vacation! I am not too far away from that park! It has been a chilly but nice few days. Hope you are having fun!

[amy]

17.

That is precisely why I do not HAVE a blog! There is no way I could have an interesting one without mentioning family or friends and I would not write honestly if I knew any of them were reading. A good blogger is not afraid to be open and honest.

I do like that you write back to us commenters but wonder how you do it. Some days there are so many! If you ever feel it is too much us die-hard readers would understand if you spent that time blogging! ;)

Love camping and hoping you and Charlie are having a great time.

[Anna]

18.

I had a thought about the whole "what not to write" thoughts and the like, and I wanted to pass it along.

I think one should avoid writing anything that one feels the need to justify with a statement such as "It's my blog, and I'll write what I want to!" And it's not that it isn't your blog and you can write what you want to, but if you feel the deep seated need to justify a particular post, then there may be something wrong with it.

I'll give an example. A "friend" of mine would have a habit of writing huge rants against his friends in his blog, write in the entries that he knew it was going to cause the problem to get worse rather than better that it was "okay" because he'd prefaced with with "It's my blog and I'll write what I want to." I, personally, don't see that as okay, I see that as being quite antagonistic and trying to get away with ranting where everyone can hear you, but not get called to task for it. The same person would not, for example, talk to these people about the issues, either angrily or calmly. He just made a point of writing it where he knew they would see it, then refusing to discuss it with them or give them the chance to soap box back.

It's not that I disagree with the sentiment. If I want to write a tirade about my friends in my blog, I am welcome to do so, but I should be held accountable for it just as much as I would be in any other situation. The second I feel the need to justify something with that sort of statement, I should probably consider taking it down.

(I actually had that situation. I wrote something in my blog that *really* upset someone. At first I got really angry, and actually started saying that sentence, then I listened to myself, realized that I was being very self-centered, and took it down. Really, it's a blog, not my master's thesis.)

[Alexa]

19.

Cecily, you will be so proud, I have figured out the mysterious trackback!
Anyway, have a lovely (and cool) vacation.
As for the blog question--oh help. I have been struggling with this, and so far have dealt with it by, well, not telling anyone I have a blog--except of course The Nearly Fiance, whom I try to write about as sensitively as possible, because he is shy. It is so hard to balance being open and honest with not hurting those you love--hopefully another, cleverer commenter will figure it out for all of us...

[Mandy]

20.

I've often written about family and as mine is very dysfunctional I'm sure they would be quite offended if they found what I wrote. At first it didn't even occur to me how some things can be found on the internet (stupid, I know) and then I decided that my mom has never tried a google search ever and neither my brother or sister own a computer or have ever sent an email. That may one day change, but if they do a search for their names they won't find me. They know I "write something on the internet" as they put it, but don't know my blog is about infertility so they're less likely to do a search that will lead them to me.

If they do find me, I'll have some music to face perhaps, but since my family is SO good at pretending things never happened, nothing is wrong, etc they would likely read once and never again.

[Angela]

21.

Hmm, I talk about my babysitter sometimes, but I don't use full names, initials or nicknames only (like drs - Dr. AlwaysLateButGreat & his partner PartnerPITA).

This way I don't make it too obvious who I'm calling a pain in the ass or who is suffering my wrath that day. Big names or companies don't get that luxury, only people...and then only if they haven't REALLY pissed me off. If I'm REALLY irritated, I'll even link their blog/email address in my blog. :-) But I'm a bitch like that.

My family is a different story, all of them work in computers, so I keep my mouth SHUT there. My brother found my blog less than a week after I started it and no I didn't tell him I was doing one.

[amy]

22.

Elayne that is very admirable and wise of you to finally feel free enough to come clean.

Although I do not have a blog I am similarily unashamed and vocal about the fact that my brother committed suicide. Had depression not been a dirty word in my family and in societies eyes (15 years ago) my brother might have felt more comfortable getting HELP for his disease. And would be alive today.

Kudo's to you for speaking honestly about your family situation. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and if families and society took that view perhaps the world would be a better place.

[Erika]

23.

Hope you're having an awesome time camping! Make some 'smores for me - oh, and if you have any of those really burned marshmallows I'm happy to eat those up for you too ;)

So I've spent a lot of time thinking about lurking vs posting: A lot of times I don't post a comment, even if an entry has really moved me, because I'm worried that what I have to say might come across as being, well, banal. I think emotional, honest blogging is incredibly brave, and deserves more than I know how to express a lot of the time. So I hold back....not because I don't give a damn but 'cos I do. Oh, that and I'm a insecure, ravingly loonie perfectionist too. But, for what it's worth I love your blog (and therefore you) to bits....even when I don't comment!

[Linda]

24.

I'm new to blogging and welcome any guidance and direction so this has been very interesting reading.

I haven't told anyone in my real life, other than my husband, about my blog. And I do and will talk about my real life. And I know that anyone who stumbles across it would recognize me instantly - pictures, names, etc. are used in my new little blog. So I'll have to give it all some thought. I may use it to vent but I think I could stand behind anything I say if people did read it. It may not be particularly comfortable, but I could (and more importantly, I would).

As for me and the owner of this particular blog, well, we have a few things in common- we've both dealt or deal with weight, infertility (even though I have 5 kiddos, 3 of them were hard, hard work... the first 2 came while I was still in my teens and just had to THINK about sex to get pregnant!). The last thing we have in common(and it's very important)-- we both use the same cool font on our blog banner! hahah

[Cat, Galloping]

25.

Just as I try not to say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face, I make a habit of not writing anything about family or friends that I wouldn't want them to read. I know my blog is public and that it could not be *that* hard for people I know to find it, if they were so inclined. I just think it would be really devastating to a relationship if, say, my sister were to find out that I'd shared something private or negative about her with the whole world. I mean, it's *my* choice to keep a blog, not hers. But that could be one reason that my blog is a bit bland.

[Stacy]

26.

OMG!!! Six Feet Under....OH MY!! IT WAS SO GOOD. And your on vacation and I don't know anyone in real life who wathces it and OMG it was so good...I cried and cried especially the end. I love that they gave what happens to each person. Loved it...

Okay, now back to blog etiquette...

[JuliaKB]

27.

Hi, Cec!

I came her to ask if you are back and if you saw 6 feet under. And I see Stacy had the same idea. :)
I have TiVo, so I went back and watched the end a few times... When you see the episode, I would love to talk about it. I really liked some parts of it, and was not so happy with one part.
But overall, I was literally stunned... It was amazingly great.

[Marianne Wille]

28.

Happy Vacation!

XXXOOO