Terror

I have an appointment with my RE today. I don’t want to go.

I know you have all told me over and over again that I am brave and strong. But I’m really not. I’m fucking terrified.

I’m terrified it won’t work. That the pregnancy that nearly killed me has in fact broken my body, and now things won’t work right, and I won’t be able to get pregnant again. The idea of starting the monitoring and the testing all over again to see where I am (and I’m very conveniently on cycle day four, so I know the RE will want to do all the tests) scares me nearly to death because I just know that something is going to be really, really wrong.

I’m terrified it will work. That I’ll get pregnant again right away, like I did on my first embryo transfer. That I’ll stay pregnant again just long enough to believe it can happen, only to have my life put back on the line and my hopes and dreams murdered once again.

As difficult as this limbo period has been, it’s been easier than I realized. When Charlie and I spoke about this last night, he said, “Well, we could always adopt instead.” But as we’ve seen from women like Karen, adopting is no less fraught with anxiety and fear and hopelessness (although it probably wouldn’t threaten my life).

I’ve seized on my weight as the center point of my fear. After all, it’s been nearly nine months since I lost my sons (oh, god, today I miss them so fucking much)—shouldn’t I have lost some weight since then? Shouldn’t I have gotten into better shape? Of course I’m in better shape than I was when I lost the boys. Of course I’ve lost a bit of weight, although it’s very little. But the idea of getting pregnant at this weight again—of being so sick and toxic and heavy—disgusts me.

But waiting any longer also seems impossibly foolish. I’m 37 (although those embryos we plan to transfer are from 35-year-old eggs—retrieved two weeks before my 36^th birthday) and I don’t think it’s a good idea to test my uterus. Besides, as the last nine months show, there’s a good chance I won’t lose any weight at all.

I think about Grrl and Tertia and Julia and I have to wonder. How did they do it? How do they pick themselves up after the horrors and start again? How did they let Hope back in?

Oh, god, I’m so fucking scared.

Comments

[Sarah]

1.

Oh sweetie...of course you are scared. Of course. I am right with you, scared for you but also hoping for you too. I will hope enough for you and Charlie both.
Being terrified does not mean you are not brave and strong. It is moving forward in the face of that terror that makes you brave and strong, and that is how you've proven to me over and over again that you ARE.
Love you.

[Viv]

2.

I get it. I am at the same place. It'll be a year at the end of the month since my own horror. I hate the way my body betrayed me. I hate the extra weight. I never thought that we would try again. Never.

I am 13 weeks pregnant and am going in for an abdominal cerclage today to prevent last summer's nightmare from happening again. I am wracked with fear and terror. Scared the baby will die. Scared I will die. Scared shitless. Period. But at 36....

I don't have any answers. We made descicions based on what we wanted our lives to be like in 20 years. We have taken baby steps. I count the minutes, chanting "nothing bad has happened yet."

Back to packing.

[Sally]

3.

What Sarah said.

I'm delurking to say good luck. I don't pray, but my heart and soul are reaching out to you. No one can predict the future, but we know that you'll take things one moment at a time and you'll have an army of well-wishers backing you up, regardless of how those moments go.

[Heather]

4.

Alright C-
It's time to get back in the saddle with a smile. Go in the positive direction. I know its difficult, but you must think positive. Shit happens to people all the time, terrible shit that no human should suffer through, but you gather your stregnth and you get your shit together, lift your head, put on your boots and tromp through.

I know you can do this, you have the stregnth, your just not so sure its there. I'm telling you, its there !

Hell, I cant even do my own blog because i have a fear of expressing my feelings and life and someone i might know, might actually......um...read it!

I'm telling you, use your stregnth, your hope and your love and you will overcome your fears. I know you can do it C !

Good luck and keep us informed. Know that we are all pulling for you......

Oh, and one more thing--- the weight? I dont know how that effects things, i really just dont know. Sorry i have no great ass-vice for that.

[Dana]

5.

While I havent been through one iota of what you have I can really relate to this - I did NOT want to do our last IVF, w/ everything I am I didnt. Everyday I rehearsed how to tell my husband I wasnt doing it. I just couldnt face the disapointment one more time. But I couldnt do that to him.

GOOD LUCK today and remember, sometimes good things do happen!

[alex]

6.

Cecily,

I am thinking of you and please update us when you get back.

I have some of the same fears about my body. Obviously for different reasons. I really worry that my body will not be a safe enough space for any babies that I might one day carry. I finally bit the bullet and I am doing IVF because my body has made it clear that she will not do anything without serious prodding..it needs a cattle prod. Which leads me to my issues of weight because I feel so toxic and fat and I am not sure that with the stress of infertility it is going to make it any better because when I am stressed my body holds fat like as if it were heading into the famine of the century. I have put this off so long because I hoped to cleanse my body and get it to perfect which is probably never gonna happen. SO I will go into a pregnancy thinking my body is less than perfect and not safe for the babies. ARRRgghhhhh. Does that all make sense?

Well thanks for playing therapist for a few minutes while I monopolized your blog and made my inner thoughts known to the world.
Selfish of me when the post was about your fear...sorry.

I guess I am just saying I hope you have your baby..nice and easy in a pollyanna everything will be great mode adn little bluebird will come and chirp on your shoulder adn we will all hold hands and sing fun songs and even (ok this is getting sick) rub our pregnant bellies without a care in the world. Cumbaya anyone?

Sending you some good vibes of luv and peace for the appointment.

alex

[Dawn]

7.

I wish I had something wonderful and wise to say but I am thinking of you. And anxious for updates.

[Trish]

8.

I'm just thinking of you, sweetie...

[libby]

9.

Thinking of you, sending you strength and love, and hoping for the best possible outcome.

[Kate]

10.

Even though I am not there, I am holding you in my heart and will give you what strength I have. We all care about you and will support you through this, good or bad. We'll be your strength when you need us.

Hugs,
Kate

[RainbowW]

11.

i know but a little.

i know that there is a path through. i couldn't being to tell you where it leads, but there is a path, and you will find it.

and in time, you will not regret taking that path, nor wish to shut the door on your memories of your journey.

that's a promise. =)

[Catherine]

12.

I love you Cecily.

[DMouse]

13.

I wish I had something useful to say, but I don't. I'm thinking of you today.

[Ninotchka]

14.

Oh Cec, I'm so sorry. I've nothing to offer but a huge hug, prayers and good wishes.

And hope. Lots and lots of hope.

Take care sweetie!

[wix]

15.

hey cecily,

do you have any interest in going to a regular endocrinologist, or do you think that your RE could help you with some tests of your metabolism and such?

i ask because i finally overcame my fear of what i'd hear and went to an endocrinologist to get some answers around my PCOS. she did every test under the sun, including a test of my resting metabolic rate, and with the results of those tests she gave me a new plan for eating--essentially low glycemic index foods with the south beach diet as a guide. i also now know precisely how many calories i am limited to in a day to keep from putting on any weight, and my upper caloric limit for losing weight.

had i known that, armed with her information and a particular way of eating, i'd effortlessly lose something like 30 pounds in 12 weeks, i would have gotten into that office years ago. i also now know enough about the 'invisible' health issues i'm facing. knowing that i'm dodging these by taking care of myself now is extra motivating.

just something to consider, since it seems like your weight is at the base of a lot of your fear. you don't have to do this alone.

i hope all goes well at the RE.

[R]

16.

I'm sending you every kind of positive thought and vibe there is.

[CursingMama]

17.

I've nothing brilliant to say; your thoughts and feelings are yours to put your arms around and deal with, nothing I say will change that. I do however wish for you and Charlie the strength, determination and hope that you'll need to get through this time in your life. And, I obviously hope that you will find joy.

[Mete]

18.

I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.

All I can offer is my own experience. If I had let the fear hold me back after my first bought with preeclampsia, I wouldn't have my second son. I can't rid myself of fear either. But I can try to take power over it. Every day is a struggle to not let my hope and joy be stifled by fear.

As far as the weight thing, if I had it my way, my life would have been on hold for my wedding, my children, my job... all awaiting the magic day I "got thin". It's like waiting to have enough money before having kids. To think how much I would have missed out on. Yes, it isn't ideal, but it's the way it is. I have to accept it and try to better it, but I can't let it hold me back.

[bridget]

19.

I'm thinking of you.

[Leslie]

20.

Getting back into it after what you've been through is the scariest thing of all. It is also the most hopeful thing. I hope going through it is as easy on you as possible. Take good care of yourselves.

[Julie]

21.

Sweetie - you and Charlie are very much in my prayers. I wish I could tell you not to be afraid but I know, if I were in the same position, I'd be terrified too. Just know that there are alot of people out here who love you and support you and are here for you.

[Celeste]

22.

Cecily, this is the human condition--to know that it might not work out...but to do it anyway. We are made to hope.

[karla]

23.

I am thinking of you and Charlie. After what you guys have been through I would be worried if you weren't scared. I have everything crossed for you guys.

[liz]

24.

All my best wishes to you. And a few hugs.

I wish I could say, "It'll all be okay." But instead I'll say, "I hope it will be."

[Peach]

25.

Now you know why I am so in love and in awe of you infertility etc. women. I cannot fathom for an instant what pain, anguish, terror, and fear you must go through while at the same time trying to deal with the nagging beast that is hope.

You humble me. Truly.

[cheryl b.]

26.

I know you don't think so right now, but there is a reason that so many people tell you how brave and strong you are. Thinking of you......

[Journeywoman]

27.

I wish I had something better to say.

I am thinking of getting on the RE horse again, and it's freaking me out...and I didn't have half as much to overcome as you.

My thoughts are with you.

[nick]

28.

You are a strong person and I can see that.I don't know what to say but my thoughts are with you.

nick

[Tertia]

29.

It is v v scary. It will be one of the scariest things you have ever done. But you can, and will do it.

I know how hard it is, but just put one foot in front of the other. Little bit by little bit.

And mail me when ever, I'll be there for you.

[Em]

30.

I really hope it goes well. I read your whole blog the other night and I found it so brave and inspiring. You are an awesome woman and Charlie sounds amazing. I admire you so much for maintaing your sobriety throughout. Sometimes I get thoughts that I'm just going to drink if I can't have a baby. I want to self destruct, especially at times like this when I know my period is just around the corner.

[Cat, Galloping]

31.

I'm sorry you're scared and I'm wishing you comfort and success. I personally find knowing that adoption is a very real option (even though it's not EASY) to be very comforting because it means that there is definitely going to be a child one way or another and I could shift from saying "if" to "when."

[KateS]

32.

Nothing profound to say, so I'll be sending you good vibes and lots of **hugs** your way.

[luolin]

33.

Wishing you strength and peace.

[shaunacat]

34.

I just wanted to let you know how scared I have been my whole pregnancy (35 weeks now) about my weight destroying everything. I've watched my blood pressure go up and down, up and down, etc - all with the sick thoughts in my head that if this doesn't work, it will be because of my weight.

Things have gone beautifully and I'm hoping for the same for you too.

Xoxo.

[Carrie Jo]

35.

What you're going through IS fucking scary. I guess whne people who have been through this finally make it, so to speak, they do it by taking one day at a time. Just focus on getting through today and worry about tomorow when it comes. Tertia probably has the most similar experience to yours, she would be the best person to listen to, I guess... I'd like to think it helps knowing that there are so many people in the computer who are rooting for you on the sidelines of your journey, regardless of which paths you choose. Incuding me.

[runnerwoman]

36.

I'm silently rooting you on, hoping that each visit gets just a little bit easier. Not easy, but easier. And if you can't hope, I'll be hopeful for you.

[Nina]

37.

I'm scared too. Everything about pregnancy/childbearing is scary but we're here for you and wishing you all the best.

[ericalil]

38.

I'm so sorry you're terrified, and I know a little of how you feel. I've had 3 pg losses, the longest one lasting until 16 weeks. And THEN they diagnosed me with uterine septum. Had that removed, but my body betrayed me, you know? So, why on earth do I think any subsequent pg will be better?

But, we do hope that it will be better, else we wouldn't even consider doing more IVF's. I'm transferring tomorrow, so scared it won't work, perhaps more scared it will.

But what can we do? I've set a limit - if one more bad thing happens in my uterus, then we WILL adopt. It makes me feel slightly more in control. But still terrified.

I wish you 100% success next time, I hope you get knocked up quickly, and then manage to calmly sail through. You've got a HUGE following that will be there with you, every step of the way.

I'm rambling now. I do hope you are able to keep calm, but really! HOw on earth is one expected to not be freaked after going through what you did?! It's completely normal.

Good luck.
erica

[Anne]

39.

standing there with you, terrified but hopeful.

[Toni]

40.

The terror is utterly understandable, Cecily. And it's possible to be very strong and very frightened, all wrapped up in the same wonderful human form. Just look at how these vibrant, caring human beings are here from all over the blogosphere, circling the wagons for you. And know that we're all, each in our own way, rooting for you and Charlie.

[Amanda]

41.

I don't want this to sound like assvice. Seriously. Because I KNOW how you must feel. And it's the EXACT reason why I decided to have gastric bypass surgery. I couldn't stand the not knowing and the worrying and ALL the fucking waiting.

[Lisa]

42.

I just wanted to de-lurk and say that I love your blog and and you remind me of myself and I wish you all the best of luck.

I want to lose 20 pounds (but I LOVE LOVE LOVE eating) and my house smells like cat pee most of the time too, so I'm in it with you on that one sister.

And I can't really offer any advice except that life is pretty scary but they say that nothing good comes without taking a risk- I guess you just have to look within your heart and decide which way you want to meet your future son(s) or daughter(s)?

[SandyG28]

43.

I can't even begin to imagine your fear, and I have no advice ~ although I do like the one foot in front of the other stuff from Tertia. Just know that I'm here, on the east coast of Canada, thinking about you.

[Pamplemousse]

44.

It is terrifying and I am terrified, even though I have not been through the magical and awful things you and Charlie have endured.

We just have to find the strength from somewhere and we carry on regardless.

[SusanJ]

45.

All I can say is, I've got LOTS more books for you; we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

[Amy]

46.

I have no first hand experience with IF or with losing a baby, so I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to contemplate diving back into those waters.

But in response to your comments about being scared, and wondering how people find the strength to do this again, I can say (from reading your posts and your archives) that you strike me as one of the strongest women I "know." Add that to your ability to write about these things (IF, sobriety, spirituality) with such grace and wisdom and... well, just wow. I honestly believe you will find your way through.

But, just in case you need it, I also wish you the best of luck ... and the strength to dive back in.

[Meg]

47.

Hey Cecily,

What to say, but that I hear you.

And I think that the other women you talked about did it exactly how you are doing it--afraid, but putting your face into the wind and taking it head on.

Thinking of you. Holding you in my heart and sending you all my hopes.

[zarqa]

48.

I'm trying again after a stillbirth too; I lost my son at 37 weeks.
Being a bit reckless and impulsive, I wanted to start trying again right away. But despite my "strength" I know darn well that I will be scared as anything when it finally does happen.
Take care.

[Melanie (Phila)]

49.

Sending you much much love. I really like how Meg put it: Holding you in my heart and sending you all my hopes.

I think you're very brave.

[maia]

50.

Whatever happens Cecily know that there are countless of us out there, your loyal readers, who will be there to hold your hand, so to speak of course. I say GO FOR IT!!

[Jen (yup, another one)]

51.

Sending you peace and love!

[Camille]

52.

I'm thinking of you Cecily - I hope that you will find peace somewhere in all of this. Take care of you the best you can.

[fatty]

53.

Thought I would stop lurking for a minute and tell you I love your blog and can relate on way too many of your worries, although I have never experienced the passing of a child. You are braver then I could ever be. I hope whatever is right for you happens.

[Rachel]

54.

No advice from me -- I know I don't have the foggiest what it's like to be in your shoes right now. Just wanting to send you some peace of mind and a little good luck.

[KelliAmanda]

55.

Without having read all the other responses (because I need to go to bed), and without having any fucking clue about what you're going through...

Of course you're scared. How could you not be scared? So, you honor those feelings. (I know, I know...) You know that you will get through this too, because, my god, look at how much you've gotten through already. You know that the fear will be here for a while, but eventually, and I hope for you sooner rather than later, it will be behind you.

Or scratch all that, because, like I said, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I won't lie and say that I know how you feel - I absolutely don't. But, I wish I could take the terror away from you. I am certainly feeling enough sadness and fear of the unknown and the somewhat known for the both of us, but mine is for no good reason at all. So if you want to send some of yours my way, feel free.

And I'll be thinking of you.

[Anne]

56.

Of course you're freaked out! I didn't have fertility problems but I was still afraid that A) I would now! or B) Something else would happen and I'd have to face that grief again!

It's still not all gone, but so far so good! TTC and pregnancy after loss are seriously complicated subjects and the source of all kinds of anxiety. I swear you're not alone.

[margi]

57.

Hoping it went well...

[karinsamira]

58.

Oh Cecily, so sorry to hear that you do not feel well about your appointment. This is so normal after what you have been through, and you ARE a brave person, whatever scared you might be at the moment.To be a strong person does not mean that you are not allowed to be afraid, ever, it just means that you can and will face reality.
To do these blood tests before undergoing any FETs is a good good thing: either everything will be ok and then you can relax a bit or they come up with some anomaly which you then can treat before you are in a cycle. That is the best thing about these FETS, that you are not forced to cycle when something does not look good.I wish you all the best!

[jenny]

59.

You have been traumatized. It is completly normal for you to be scared. I understand, I have had two traumatic pregnancies, and am scared as hell.

My first RE appointment is in just over a week and I'm terrified of what he'll tell me. I am heavy, heavier than ever before, and worried about how that is going to effect me.(read my lj for my story so I don't hijack your blog)

You are so not alone in your fear.

Take care!

[Emily]

60.

I don't know where everyone finds the strength, because I seem to be a little short of it of late. I will say though, that you, you are so strong and so beautiful and will kick the ass out of fear. Fear should be very scared of you.

We'll be here holding your hand along the way.

[Sharon]

61.

Also delurking to say that pregnancy after a loss (or losses) is pregnancy without the fun, without the anticipation and without the head-in-the-clouds, "that will never happen to ME" feeling that most pg women get while watching scary episodes of Baby Story.

Yes, you will spend nine months holding your breath. Yes, you will have problems feeling attached to the baby as you carry - since you don't want your heart broken in that many pieces again. Yes, you may avoid buying anything for the baby until after s/he arrives, for fear of jinxing yourself.

But yes, you can do it. Because pregnancy and healthy births after loss happen every day, to many more women than will admit it.
My daughter born after my miscarriage is now 3 years old.
I look forward to reading about your continuing journey. You have so many people pulling for you - positive thoughts and prayers count for a lot.

[Melissa]

62.

I checked your blog today to see how your appt. went and asaw nothing there.
Cecily, are you all right?
Melissa

[TracyB]

63.

Hoping you are finding some peace and strength to get you through this. One little step at a time... I hear ya on all counts, Cec! From a fellow fat IF chick.

[Mary]

64.

I'm sorry you're so scared about trying again, but I'm sure it is only natural to have all of those feelings. You amaze me with each of your posts. You are strong and brave and beautiful and wise and human. You CAN do this!

[ST]

65.

Cecily, I don't know if you remember me, but we emailed a bit back when you lost your sons- I told you a bit about preparing for your milk to come in.

I am now 27 weeks into my subsequent pregnancy after losing my first child at 37 weeks and I just want to tell you that your fears and apprehension are normal.
It is truly terrifying.
What has helped me has been a) having a supportive group of women who have gone through/are going through a similar experience (pregnancy after stillbirth), b) having taken enough time to grieve very deeply for my son so that some of my pain around his loss was "let go" before I got pregnant again and c) having a sense of spirituality-not necessarily organized religion- that helped me focus on the "spirit" part of the mind/body/spirit philoshopy that I ascribe to. Honestly, when I focus too much on the body part, that's when I start unravelling.

Wishing you peace as you start this next phase of your life.

[Roxanne]

66.

Hi Cecily,
It's been a long time since I commented. Yours was the first blog I found after we lost our baby that dealth with late term pregnancy loss. I was so happy to find you that I wrote you a big long e-mail and you probably thought I was crazy (which I kind of am).

I am 18 weeks pregnant now with our second baby (after losing the first at 25 weeks). It is REALLY scary. There is no denying it. There is always something to be scared about. But I just get through it with the help of wonderful people whom I met online who are so supportive and have been there and with my few close friends who have stuck by me through this hell.

I know that the reason for your losses was different than mine (ours was really unknown). I don't know if that makes it easier or harder....probably neither. You just freak out about different stuff.

I just try to take things day by day and I LOVE LOVE LOVE my doppler.

I hope to hear good news from you in September and even better news 9 months (give or take a couple of weeks) later.

[Jess]

67.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I just lost my daughter. She was stillborn on July 5. I know how scary it is to think about trying again and it sounded like in your case, it took a big toll on your body. But I know how you felt when you lost your sons... it's a feeling of hopelessness and you dont know what to do next. But Im proud of you for picking yourself up and wanting to try again. And you ARE strong because you are still here and it only shows you are human when you are terrified, anyone would be in your situation. I pray that everything goes well with you and Charlie. I myself will be trying again for another baby in a couple weeks and im so scared that something will happen again just like you. I can't say I know what your going through with the testing and embryo tranfers but I know somewhat of what your going through. Best Of luck and youll be in my prayers.

Jess