Control!

Something we talk about a lot in recovery is what we call “character defects.” These are the behaviors that cause pain to us and those that love us.

When I first got sober and listened to other alcoholics talk about their lives and what had led them to recovery, I found myself identifying not only with their drinking stories but their stories about how badly they behaved on a day to day basis, even sober. Through work I did in those early days, I got a pretty clear picture of who I really was, and it wasn't pretty.

At the heart of my issues is CONTROL. If God were to call me and offer me the job of running the universe, I would say, “About fucking time! Now get out of my way.”

I was reminded of this last night when I unwittingly committed a mothering drive-by last night. I was at a restaurant with Sarah, her daughter, and her mom and we were chatting with another family waiting for a table. I noticed that the teenage boy had a pretty cool cell phone, and I commented on it, and then his much younger brother whipped out his cell phone. Without thinking about it, I made a kinda face and said, "YOU have a cell phone too?" His mother, looking sheepish, said, "Well, we had to add another line to get a better deal. Otherwise I would never give a nine-year-old a cell phone."

Sigh. I used to be like that all the time--only considerably worse.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve worked really hard to stop giving assvice and stop telling other people what to do. I’ve also tried to stop what I’ve heard called the “4 M’s”-- managing, mothering, manipulating, and martyrdom (when I first heard those I thought “Fuck! That’s my whole personality!”). I used to be so pushy and opinionated (ok, so I’m still opinionated) AND I was an expert into manipulating people into agreeing with me. God, I was a pain in the ass.

So I often find myself full of opinions, but am now gifted with the ability to keep my mouth shut (sometimes I have to literally slap my hands over my mouth). Lately I’ve been working overtime to keep my mouth shut about Sarah’s impending nuptials and the planning for it.

I used to be a rental coordinator at a popular wedding space, so I helped organize and run at least 30 weddings while I was there. I also ended up being a friend’s wedding assistant a few years ago (sadly, before I stopped being so pushy). I also spent about six years being an event planner for lots of non-wedding events (community concerts series, that sort of thing). So I do feel a bit like an expert. But I’ve been keeping my mouth shut tight.

Sarah finally yelled at me until I gave her an actual opinion (about whether or not to do photos before the ceremony--I say NOT). So, loosened up a bit, and since I’m off the next couple of days, I’ve offered her my help and am making lots of calls and stuff. Ah, it feels good to take control... oh, kidding. Kidding!

The thing I’ve come to realize is that every behavior that is detrimental to me is really a mutated character asset. The fact is, I’m incredibly organized, great at managing things, and excellent at chatting with people I don’t know well. I’m also detail-oriented and good at seeing the big picture. I know this about myself, but I’m still fairly unpracticed at reining in my control issues and backing down when someone (like, you know, the person REALLY in charge) disagrees with me about something.

So I’m heading into uncharted territory, folks. Should be fun.

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I have to take a moment and apologize for being boring. I just feel like I’ve been full of lame, lame, lame entries lately. I’ll get better. I swear.

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Links You Can Use, I Hope

I’ve been meaning to post this stuff for the last two days and didn’t get to it.

If you didn’t get to see Fat Actress because you don’t have Showtime, you can view the episode here.

Also, be sure to go here and see our hero Maura on Nightline. She did a fabulous job saving the women of Virginia from that awful miscarriage bill, and she looks like a rock star on TV. Check it out. I might post an entry about it tomorrow.