Fun Times at the ER

So yesterday I got to spend the entire day in a fabulous downtown emergency room. What fun!

I’ve been having a blinding headache nearly every day from about 11am until about 4pm since I got home from the hospital. I kept asking my doctors about it, and they didn’t seem that alarmed until it had been going on for nearly two weeks. While my GP wanted to continue to ignore the headaches, my OB was a bit freaked out. He tried to just schedule a cat scan for me, but since my insurance is an HMO and we all know that HMOs are run by small minded little number crunching people that look like naked mole rats, and try really hard to prevent you from doing anything that would cost them money, I had to go through the ER and waste everyone’s time instead.

Sigh.

So after getting to listen to a strapped down homeless man sing “New York, New York” at the top of his lungs for three hours (and intermittingly shout “God damn it!” a sentimet with which I heartily agreed), I got my cat scan. I didn’t even get a room, it was that crowded. I had a bed in a hallway. Until they ran out of beds and made me go sit in the lobby while they waited for my cat scan results.

The TV in the lobby was showing an episode of “Strong Medicine,” a crappy Lifetime medical show. Guess what the topic was?

It was an episode where a woman gives birth to IVF twins, only to discover that one of the babies isn’t hers (they know because the baby’s African-American, and she’s white). And she and the boy’s biological mother, another infertile woman, spend the rest of the show fighting over who gets the baby. I shit you not.

Eventually, the lovely doctor (he really was nice) came out and told me my brain was fine. That I should take Advil with my Excedrin migraine, and follow up with a neurologist about whether or not I need migraine medication.

Yee-fucking-ha. When will the side effects go away?

And that brings up another subject.

I’m feeling a little bitter these days.

This quote is from a troll that posted on Tertia’s blog:

“I find it ironic that people are praying to God when God had nothing to do with these pregnancies. When Cecily wanted to be pregnant, God had an answer, and that answer was "no." Who needs God, when there's IVF? Perhaps God, in His infinite wisdom, was trying to keep her from having precisely this kind of tragedy?"

What bothers me about this statement is that there is a part of me, larger than I’d like to admit, that thinks she is dead-on correct.

In recovery, it’s said that God has three answers to prayers: “Yes,” “Maybe,” and “Not now.” But more often than not for me, the answer is “Are you out of your fucking mind? Of course not!”

I’m getting pretty pissed off about it.

The other thing that keeps coming up in my mind is that to some extent this is all my fault.

Because I’m fat.

Since fat chicks like me are considered to be at a higher risk of preeclampsia, there is some merit to this argument, although I’m sure many of you will tell me that you or people you know who went through preeclampsia actually only weigh 23 lbs, 28lbs at the time of giving birth, but still—the doctors say it’s a risk, so I believe them.

It’s so easy to slide into self-blame. It’s a comfortable spot for me, especially when it comes to my weight. I’ve tried so hard these last six years to come to terms with my overeating. I’ve never been able to successfully combat it for more than a year, and I’ve never successfully gotten under 200lbs. The pain becomes too great, and food makes me feel better. I don’t have cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, or sex with random strangers anymore to fill that space. The only thing I have left is food, food, food.

The thing about all my other addictions, of course, is that I can survive without ingesting whatever substance it is. No one needs heroin or Old Granddad to live; but food, well, you gotta eat. If I could get some sort of implants that provided me with sufficient nutrition, and allowed me to abstain from eating entirely, I think I might be able to actually get a handle on this.

I know I want to spend this time of healing losing weight. But I still find myself reaching for food to soothe my grief and rage. I have to make a decision to change, but I’m unwilling to give up this last little crutch, even though this crutch may have played a role in killing my babies. And nearly killing me.

God damn it.

Well, writing about this will surely shake something loose. I’ve also a member of a recovery group that deals with this specifically, so that will help too. But I’m tired of feeling shitty about myself. I really am.

Comments

[Sarah]

Excellent post. You know that on that preclampsia.org site, they debunk the myth that women who are overweight have a higher risk. Turns out, the rates of it in Ethiopia are the SAME as here in the US. And we all know there are no fat Ethiopians.

Just saying.

I love you, please be patient with yourself through this. Get a little comfort where you need it, now, if it is food. (As long as it isn't whiskey or heroin, Girl!)
It's only been a very short time. Grief SUCKS ASS, but you have already proven to me you can do anything. You can do this too.

Love, Sarah

[Sheri]

Cecily - I'm right there with you on the eating and weight issue. I remember/identify different times in my life with what size I was wearing - how f*cked up is that? Be kind to yourself and I think as long as your healthy & happy....the size thing doesn't matter. Both of my sisters are those 120lb, eat whatever they want type of people. I can gain weight just TALKING about it....up 2lbs as I type this. sucks

I love your blog and I love the daffodil picture but miss your smiling face one too.

Continued peace to you...

[sandy]

Ahh, yes. Fat. The final frontier. I don't know what to say. I've been at this a long time and still don't have a handle on it.

I do love your poem accepting your body but having the fantasy about waking up from a coma and finding yourself thin. You hit that one perfectly.

[dish]

Powerful post. Not sure what I can say (trying desparately to avoid assvice), so just letting you know I'm here.

[Keith of R.Electrons]

"No one needs heroin or Old Granddad to live; but food, well, you gotta eat."

I've said almost the exact same words for a long time. It is sooo true!

I even managed to lose weight on Atkins. But Atkins has some problems. Not only does it release toxins into your bloodstream, it takes away something critical. You no longer are eating much 'comfort food'. Your brain needs foods with real carbs to send comfort chemicals to your brain. That is the basis for some anti-anxiety meds: they help your brain absort comfort chemicals. But if you are on Atkins, you are starving your body of comfort chemicals.
And on Atkins, my world view was so distorted! It was like a mental version of tunnel vision. I was grumpy and unhappy. Going into a supermarket and seeing most of the store as forbidden was torture.

I've lost weight in the past by walking - a huge amount. But I don't have time for that now. I have enough trouble making hours at work and getting half the stuff I seem to be expected to do at home.

[Orodemniades]

And fat people are responsible for La Nina, tornadoes, the falling cod population, and the impending supernoval of our sun.

Just so y'know.

the extremely well fed Oro

[roseisarose]

Oh Dear.

How is it that everything that happens has to be the fault of the mother or mother to be? I think that as a society we have a freudian hangover.

One of the things that just kills me about infertility is that so many of the women I know (or read) just tear themselves apart trying to figure out what they did to cause this.

The medical model bases a lot of things on statistics and it is so clear that we don't have all the information.

I don't think we have the answers about infertility yet, anywhere near. And I don't think we have the answers about weight gain/weight loss either.

Overweight people get pregnant and have babies all the time.

Anyway, this is a long post and probably not very helpful, and what I really want to say is please be good to yourself and try not to read too much into the trolls. In such a difficult time, it is so hard not to pick up whatever we can use to hurt ourselves most.

Love, Rose

[ann]

Coming out of lurkdom to first of all say that I am so, so sorry for your terrible ordeal with losing (for lack of a better verb) your dear sons Nicholas and Zachary.
As one who has been through hell with the loss of 3 babes, each situation different, but one a full term stillbirth for which my body may be to blame, I can relate to the blame game and the God query, too.
I prefer to think of God as more in the Harold Kushner (When Bad Things Happen to Good People) helping-us-get-through- terrible-events style rather than as an All Powerful Being causing things to happen to some and not to others. Before reading Kushner, I was obsessing about Why Me/Why US more than was healthy.
I'm resisting the urge to tell you not to be too hard on yourself because searching for answers is such a vital part of coming to some kind of #$^%%^ grip with what's happened. But as with something like preeclampsia, the thing is there are so many unknowns. One doc will tell you one thing and another something different. Part of my healing is coming to terms with never having answers for what caused some of what happened. Sucks. Many hugs and much strength for dealing with all that you're going through. There is no way through it but through it. Again, I'm so sorry.

[eightlegs]

Let me get this straight.. as if losing weight is hard enough by itself, you want to do this while trying to overcome the unimaginable grief of losing your boys...

Ok, to quote "god":
“Are you out of your fucking mind?"

The fact that you got up enough energy and clear headedness to type this post is beyond me. Don't be so hard on yourself.. ok, screw that, easier said than done. I spent several years myself trying to figure out what "substance" I ingested in my youth would have caused my own IF/losses... but it's futile.. you can't fix this and you DIDN't cause this. It sucks, and it just happened.

Work right now on just getting out of bed every morning. That alone is a major accomplishment. When you're feeling a little more like you again, then worry about the diet... but geez, for now... take it easy!

Go break some stuff... bowls make nice smashy noises but plates throw further...

[Sara]

Oh Cecily...

Oh, how those who claim to know Gods will and interpret it to others (always, it seems, to others in soul-crushing pain) drive me to homicidal thoughts.

When my grandmother lay dying, having bled so much internally that her hemocrit was at a level that should not have been survivable, yet there she was, conscious, telling people "I'm ready to die anytime" and yet not dying -- some of those sanctimonious Church Lady types told me "Oh, god must have some special reason to keep her alive." WTF? You're sayign she's suffering all this for what? To try to convert that evil night nurse to Christianity? Wouldn't a face on the side of a tortilla have been easier?

And if pre-eclampsia is a message from God, what about the woman I know who went into full-blown eclampsia delivering her 4th? Who nearly died, and who was told she shouldn't think of pregnancy again for at least 2 years because they had to slash her open six different ways to get the baby out? If God sends warnings, what bigger warning to *stop* is that? Yet she ignored that warning, somehow got PG while still on morphine for the previous surgery (can't deny the Husband his Marital Rights, after all, and birth control is evil) ... and DIDN'T have eclampsia or die during the subsequent pregnancy. She ignored a bigass warning from The Big Man... and while I"m sure her family credits her survival to their prayers, I personally credit it to a piece of f*cking luck.

And you, you just had a piece of very BAD f*cking luck. That's what it was. A set of circumstances and small events that led to one heartbreaking big event. I don't think God sends pre-eclampsia as a punishment for those who don't listen to his carefully placed "infertility warnings.' As a matter of fact, i don't think God *sends* infertility warnings. IF isn't some kind of morse code from On High for "you're not deserving." It is, again, just dumb, freaking, luck.

I'm so sorry, Cecily. I've been following your blog since a few months before you got PG with the boys. I was so happy that it was working out for you, and I'm so, so, sorry for your loss.

[Cricket]

Also delurking here...

This post of yours goes to show what a great mom you are; you've got the guilt thing down pat. You're one of the strongest people I have ever "known." Strong people are not without doubt or guilt, they're just better at identifying, facing, and processing it.

Last year, I lost well on the Fat Flush Plan; there is a great website fatflush.com w/lots of support. (Stupid name but w/PhD nutritionist-created guidance) There are a couple books you can buy, too. It is complicated and I felt like I was constantly shoving food/supplements in my face, but it does work. It is also very well balanced, but the food is mostly unprocessed, so it requires effort - I did freeze a lot so I could have insty food when I wanted.

All my best...

[Lisa]

I hate that people treat God as if she were a narrow minded juvenille delinquent. God doesn't punish people, and I am sorry if some loser has made you think you are in need of punishment. Cecily you are a worthy person; worthy of raising children. You didn't deserve this and neither did your husband or your sons. Sweetie, for lack of a better way to say it, bad shit happens and I don't know why. I don't think anyone really does. The best we can do is make peace with it, some how, some way.
And as the fat, well stress makes me lose weight, but that is about it. Lost 40 lbs last year, and I am gaining it back now. Something with that fat and happy with me. I just have to be a grown up and take resposnibilty for my crummy eating and excercise habits. If I were you, I would do what I can and cut yourself a break when you can't. It will work out.
I hope the headaches go away.

[Laurie G]

It's great to set the goal for yourself to lose weight and get as healthy as you can before you attempt pregnancy again, but it just can't be your primary focus right now. It's like anything else in recovery. One day at a time, putting it on the shelf until you can face it safely and all that crap. When I had my miscarriage (which was not as late or dramatic as your situation and I don't mean to compare)I was determined to lose the weight immediately. It seemed like such added insult to injury to be carrying around baby weight and to have no baby to show for it. But, each time I tried to focus on losing weight I felt punished. And I was doing it to myself. "You mean, I have no baby and I can't even have this fucking cupcake? Are you kidding?" It's six months later now and I've lost a majority of the baby weight through gentle and slow measures. It's so horrible, what you've been through. And the horrible will last a good long while. It's so hard to find comfort. Please allow yourself those little things that soothe you for now. (Heroin and Wild Turkey excluded)
I'm thinking of you.
Laurie G

[Kitten]

I hope I didn't play a part in directing you to the trolls and get you upset! Because I seriously doubt that bitch has God on speed dial.

Hang in there. And like someone else said, I kinda miss your old pic on your blog, but the flower is pretty. You just looked like a bad ass in that picture! ;)

[Christina]

I, being a fat lady myself, feel you pain (and ate a cookie over it, just for good measure). I hate that it is so damned hard to lose weight. It was easy (comparitively) to quit drugs, drink, and what I call "stupid " sex, but food...god damn is right!
Don't listen to that troll. So, even if God said no to you getting pregnant on you own, he did have something (my belief here) to do with all the wonderful infertility medical stuff (very scientific description there, heh) they have out there these days. That must mean something, right?

[connie]

Even the Bible says it "rains on the just and the unjust." In other words, stuff happens.

Sending you a big cyber hug.

[Christine]

I have to second the comment about your picture - I miss it, too. Definitely bad ass! When I first saw it, my reaction was, "Now *she's* gonna be one hip mama!"

Sorry your day in the ER sucked, and I hope the headaches get under control soon.

[Emily]

Speaking as someone who as spent most of their life overweight or battling to keep my weight down, I can seriously relate. IF has put a good 30 pounds on me. While I admit that shoving those brownies into my mouth was by my own act, the stress of the infertility motivated it because I've never had a good relationship with my body or food (thanks Mom!). I need to lose weight now, not so much for having a baby, but because I just need to, but I also readily admit that I am not mentally ready to do so and that is one of the single most important components in this battle. The mechanism, eat less, burn more is obvious, but the mental energy is huge. Be kind to yourself right now and don't beat yourself up. It will come to you and soon enough. You're dealing with a lot right now and just allow yourself to grieve. One day, and soon, you'll just get up, walk outside and be on your way.

Thinking of you.

[Leslie]

God made the doctor who invented IVF, so I don't have any problems with it being ungodly or whatever.

Also, get yourself some Maxalt for those migranes. It's magic. I used to suffer through them thinking it was some type of a "cycle" I needed to go through, but now I just think I don't need to feel pain.

[Chris]

Cecily-

It's so hard to avoid assvice...but I really want to say something and I hope it comes out right. Self-blame is a normal part of grieving the loss of a child...as mothers we feel like we should be able to protect our children at all costs...when our bodies fail, because of pre-eclampsia or incompetent cervix (like in my loss) or any other horrible complication of pregnancy, we "know" that somehow it has to be because of something we did (or didn't) do. Of course, eventually, we hear from others (trolls, asshat family members, etc) that it is indeed because of something. We shouldn't have told everyone before 12 weeks, we shouldn't have gained 30 lbs in 4 months, we should have dieted and been thinner before we dared to get pregnant, whatever. God doesn't punish us for being human and imperfect...anyone who says otherwise is editing God for content! I think we all know how crazy the notion that God doesn't have anything to do with ART. God creates all life and the knowledge to help our doctors (this is of course my opinion, but it makes sense to me). Of course, being the absolutely fabulous woman that you are, you already know this! Don't let "them" win. We're all here for you!

[Amy]

With all you have been through lately I cannot believe someone said that about you and your loss. Incredibly insensitive.

Be kind to yourself, worry about the weight in a few weeks, a month.. You have been through so much, been so strong. Just be good to yourself, take it easy and remember, what happened was NOT your fault...

[SusieJ]

Right now, it's very fashionable to feel morally superior to fat people. I've been hovering at 200 for the past ... um ... five? shit ... years, and I have to give myself a mental smackdown whenever I see heavier woman, because I think, well, I'm not as fat as her. Because, you know, that makes me a better person than her, without even trying.

American culture seems pretty directionless at the moment, and people focus on inconsequential things as a measure of success: weight, money, toys, beauty. People don't know how to give their lives meaning, and focus on external things for that meaning. So now we have a culture of THIN and THINGS, and people who aren't thin or don't have things are bad, lazy, immoral and probably voted for Nader.

You're fat. I'm fat. SuperMom is fat. My mom is fat. Who cares? We aren't bad people. We don't beat up on little old ladies. C. loves you. SuperMom loves you. Jorj and I love you. My mom thinks you're hysterical (German breasts!) and would probably love you if she met you. And every time I have a fit of road rage, I keep thinking "I can't control the other driver, I can only control my reaction." Who taught me that? (Just wish the lesson would stick a bit more.) Who's editing a new arts journal in our fair city? Who conquers her demons every day?

From what you've said, it sounds like you had an exceptionally bad reaction to the hormones and drugs. You sounded exhausted, and exhaustion is far different from tired. The weight gain when you started IVF wasn't your failure, it was a drug reaction. You can't beat yourself up for that!

As for God, I'm not convinced he's watching every sparrow. I am REALLY unconvinced that everything happens for a reason. What's the point of my mother being in a wheelchair? Maybe there is one, and when I die, I learn the grand scheme, but until then, I just have to deal with it. If God is doing home studies on every pregnant woman, please explain crack babies and fetal alchohol syndrome. This bout of preeclampsia doesn't mean you aren't meant to be a mother. You are affectionate, patient, and interested with kids. You will be a good mom. (Go read Good Omens for another take on God's plan.)

It's hard to live in an unreasoning world, where shit just happens. To find someone to blame -- even ouselves -- means we can find a reason, and exert control to prevent the tragedy from occurring again. Blaming God -- "it's God's will" -- is another way to make sense of the senseless. (Jorj says, "Fuck that shit.")

Maybe you don't get a reason. Maybe the best you can do is that this whole thing, and your writing about it, changes someone's mind about medically necessary abortion, and then policy changes, and another woman's life is saved.

It's surprising that you don't see your own amazingness. It's time for a new (metaphorical) mirror. You've touched a lot of lives. Take care of yourself; keep after the doctors about that headache.

Sue

[maricar]

I had that problem after my emergency c-section delivery with Malia. The headache wouldn't go away. I finally went in to the emergency room when Malia was 2 months old. They at first thought it was because of my high platelet count or from the epidural. They were gonna give me a spinal block but decided against it. I saw a happenstance OB the next day and he gave me Amidrine for migraines. Turns out that I have my migraines AGAIN. After losing them back when I was in college. So they tell me to take some caffeine or tylenol when I'm feeling it coming on again. But I just go to Starbucks instead. ((hugs)) Hope you feel better soon.

[Journeywoman]

I'm fat too.

One of my best friends is fatter than I am and she got pregnant like that. I too have blamed my infertility on my desire to eat. I hurt and hurt and I eat to stuff down that pain.

You are a wonderful person and sometimes things happen. Sometimes very bad things.

Blessings and comfort for you.

[Kristin]

Okay, I'm "in love" with some of the people who have commented here today. While I've been going through treatment--albeit brief--I've considered if being overweight affects my ability to conceive, but I look at the pictures of the women that are blogging that I respect so much and some of them are thin as can be and have female factors.

It's such a shame, it's almost like weight is an automatic crutch--no matter the condition. I love reading your blog and I'm glad to see your raw honesty about everything. In some way, alot of the things I read inspire me to do different things in my own life.