Hard Times

Hello everyone.  I'm Charlie.

First I want to thank all of you who have shared your prayers, thoughts, and good wishes for Cecily, myself, and our boys.  Your words of encouragement and support have been invaluable, and we are deeply and truly grateful for your generosity.

The events of the past 34 hours, as you may well imagine, have shaken us to the bone.  What began as a routine 22-week ultrasound for healthy mom and twins rapidly cascaded into a series of unforeseen tragedies.  I thank Sarah for keeping all of you updated as the details were revealed. 

With growing concern for Cecily's health and having received confirmation of her severe pre-eclamptic symptoms from our doctor and his colleagues, it became clear around dawn this morning that the time for difficult choices had arrived.  We were told in compassionate but firm language that keeping Cecily both alive and pregnant for the next 4-6 weeks, in hopes of reaching viability for the surviving fetus, was not a possibility.  We were also confronted with a staggering array of potential outcomes facing Cecily if we chose to attempt the impossible...ranging from liver damage and kidney failure to stroke and brain damage. 

With Cecily's health as our primary concern we reluctantly agreed to allow our doctor to terminate the pregnancy. 

* * *

Cecily emerged from the procedure this afternoon, but before I was allowed to see her I had a chance to meet with our doctor.  The idea of losing her, as well as our boys, was beyond my imagination, as was my relief when our doctor informed me that she is expected to make a full and complete recovery.  He believes that, although the specific cause of this tragedy may never be known, it was likely an isolated incident, and not predictive of future pre-eclampsia or other pregnancy-related problems for Cecily. 

* * *

I finally had a chance to see Cec, looking remarkably well, considering the circumstances.  They'd used an epidural to numb her lower body and thus avoided intubating her.  She is alert, talking, and hungry (a good sign).  Sarah printed out pages and pages of your good wishes and brought them to Cecily this afternoon.  Reading them has been perhaps the best medicine she could possibly receive at this time.

I'm sure she can convey her feelings far better than I can...and I'm sure she will when she returns home for a much needed week of R 'n' R.  As for the future, I can't say.  Grief, I have learned, is a strange beast.  And we both will need to take some time to say goodbye to our dear boys in our hearts.

Thank you all again.
-Charlie

Comments

[Maya]

1.

I'm so so sorry. I'm just so sorry. I was really praying it would work out differently. Lean on us as much as you can.
Maya

[Lauren]

2.

I'm glad that all our voices together were able to give some kind of support. I can't imagine your pain but your strength is admirable. I'm still here praying.

[Flaming Cheeto]

3.

I am so, so, so sorry for your losses. Of your babies, of your dreams, and your hopes for these two boys.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Leah]

4.

Dear Cecily and Charlie,

I just checked in for the first time in several days. Though I am relieved Cecily will be ok, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Please let me know when Cecily is well enough to go home, and is up to phone calls. In the meantime, both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, not just for the healing of your body but of your hearts as well.

All my love,
Leah

[Anna H.]

5.

Thank you for writing to us Charlie.

You and Cecily are in my thoughts.

xxoo

[Emily]

6.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Sending much love your way.

[Christina]

7.

I'm so happy to hear she will recover. Pre-E is so scary. You both are still in my thoughts and prayers...

[Moogielou]

8.

This community is so supportive. When one of us is down, the others all come to form a protective circle around this person. Regular readers, occasional readers, lurkers. We are all here now for Cicely and for you Charlie, and will not leave our posts. We are all here for the long haul.

Again, I am so very sorry for what you both had to endure and so sorry for your losses.

[Stacey]

9.

Thank you for updating us, Charlie.

I'm relieved that Cecily is ok and devastated because of your loss. I'm so very sorry.

I wish you both the very best at this very difficult time.

[Liz]

10.

Thinking of you all during this time - you are in my heart.

With love,
Liz

[Evie K]

11.

C & C,

I've been reading your blog for a very long time, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I lost my son at 27 weeks, Iknow from experience, nothing I say can help, I am just so sorry....and i hope with al;l my heart that our angel are together in heaven in peace.

Evie K

[Hols]

12.

am new here and im so sorry for your loss. please know that i am thinking of you in this devastating time. my heart goes out to you both.

[StacyG]

13.

You are in my prayers and thoughts as are your 2 little boys. I am so truly sorry for your loss. Like so many here I wish I knew what to say or do to make it better.

[JJ]

14.

I don't know what to add except that you are all in my heart tonight.

[jane]

15.

love love love to you. peace be with you both.

[Dawn]

16.

To C & C,

Thanks to Charlie for letting us know Cec is going to be okay. Thank God this double tragedy is not a triple one. We all love this blog. I am just so happy that she is okay and I know together you two will be strong for one another as the process of healing begins. So sorry for your loss. I've been saying fuck all day. Damn universe. Give us a break. Love *Dawn*

[Lisa]

17.

I wish I had the words to say that would make everything better. All I can say is I'm so very sorry for your loss.
~Lisa

[Moxie]

18.

Thanks for the update, Charlie. Please tell Cecily we love her and are so glad she's alive. We're so sorry you lost your boys.

[chris]

19.

My prayers, whatever that's worth these days, are with you and your family. Take care.

[Laurie G]

20.

Cecily,
I've been lurking here. I found your blog after my own miscarriage and this is where I've come for comfort for many weeks now. Your humor, your heart, your tenacity, your honesty, your sobriety have helped me in ways that nothing else has. It's devestating to witness what you're now going through. I hope that in this time of utter tragedy, you receive as much from this community as you give to it.
God Bless.
Laurie

[Jennifer]

21.

I have been reading your site for awhile now and this is my first comment. My heart hearts for you and I am just so sorry.

[laura]

22.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm praying for your angels and hope that they are together now watching over you two as you try to recover. Take care of each other.

[alexhere]

23.

I have been checking in all day to check on you...my tears have not stopped and I am so sad for your loss....

[Erin]

24.

I have been reading you for some time now and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Karen]

25.

Oh, Cecily. Oh my god.

I am stunned. I have not checked your site in a few days, in fact today is the first day I've been on. I am so, so, so sorry. I have no words, nothing except the simple fact that I am so sorry, thinking about you, and sending you all my love.

I'm so sorry.

[Julianna]

26.

Thank you Charlie for updating all of us bloggers. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

[ktpupp]

27.

Thank you so much for the update, Charlie. I've been worried and checking the site all day and evening hoping for an update. I'm so relieved to hear that Cec is going to be OK.

I'm amazed at the outpouring of support here, and glad that Cecily is receiving some comfort from reading our comments. Please accept my most sincere condolences for your losses and know that I will be keeping you and Cec in my thoughts during your recovery time.

Please give Cec a hug from me, it's been years since I've been able to give her one in person and I really wish I could be there for her now.

*hugs* to you too...

-=kt=-

[OliviaDrab]

28.

So much pain. I am so very, very sorry. I wish a world of peace for you both.

[Lisa]

29.

May the thoughts of everyone who loves you surround and help you get through this next phase. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone.

[Christine]

30.

I'm just so sorry for your loss. I'm just sad for both of you, for what you're going through right now. You're in my thoughts.

[Trish]

31.

My heart is aching for you both, and you sweet little boys. I'm so sorry.

[Amie]

32.

Cecily,
I'm so thankful you are physcially recovering.
Words fail, just know I am thinking and praying for you and your husband.

[Sherry]

33.

A stranger offering her love, support and prayers to both of you.

Thinking of you all...

[jenn]

34.

I am so very sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine how hard the last 2 days must have been.

[Claire]

35.

De-lurking to express my deep sympathy for the loss of your boys and heartfelt thanks that Cecily is still with us. All my love for the road ahead.

[StephS]

36.

Also de-lurking to send love to Cecily and Charlie. Grateful she is safe, but I cannot think of words adequate to express my sorrow for the loss you now suffer. Please be well, C & C.

[Julia]

37.

Dear Cecily and Charlie -

I wish I could say I have no idea what it is to be in your shoes, but unfortunately I have an inkling. I think you are both very brave and compassionate people who've been faced with horrific events and choices over the past few days.

I know you'll both take the time you need to recover (I won't say heal) both physically and emotionally over the coming months.

If there's anything you need - even if it's someone to call at three in the morning - I'm here. Just send me an e-mail and I gladly hand over all the numbers that might possibly reach me.

Your sons will never forget your bravery.

all my love,
Julia

[andrea]

38.

Just so, so sorry.

[Chris]

39.

Dear Cecily and Charlie,

You are both in my thoughts during this incredibly, unimaginably difficult time. I am so very sorry for your losses. I lost a son at 20 weeks in Feb. 2004, though the circumstances were different, the depth of grief is not. If you ever want or need to talk to someone who has been through a similar circumstance, please know that I'm here.

[Menita]

40.

Dear Charlie and Cecily,
I am just numb with shock. My thoughts and prayers are with you - I just cannot fathom how devastating the last few days have been, and what you still have to get through.
I am heartbroken thinking of you. My love to you both.

[Tertia]

41.

Cecily and Charlie, my heart bleeds for the both of you. You are in my thoughts always.

With much love
Tertia

[Jill]

42.

Oh, Charlie, my heart is breaking for both of you. Make sure you get the support you need during this time. My husband will tell you people tend to worry about the mom, and forget the dad during times like these.

Cecily, I've admired you from afar for months. Keep breathing, and please know you and your babies are being surrounded in love and prayers.

[wavery]

43.

I'm so sorry for you both. Just so damn sorry I don't have the words.

[Rhonda]

44.

I am so, so very sorry. I am keeping you and Cecily in my thoughts and prayers.

[Sonetka]

45.

I can't begin to comprehend what you are going through, but I'll be praying for you and your little boys' spirits.

[Journeywoman]

46.

I'm de-lurking to offer my sympathies.

I am so very sorry. You'll be in my prayers.

[Expat]

47.

Charlie and Cecily,

I am so so sorry that your little boys have died.

Words really can't show how sad I am for you.

[maricar]

48.

Cecily and Charlie,

I'm deeply sorry and hope this isn't real. I'll continue to pray for you both and your boys. I lost my son at 18 weeks and wish in my heart that your boys didn't join him. I want your boys here with you. I don't know what else to say but I'm here for you if you need me. To talk to. To cuss at. Anything. I'm here for you both.

[nora]

49.

In the way of blogs, I know more of you than you know of me. Please know that there is another stranger holding you in her heart and in her thoughts.

[Jessica]

50.

Another lurker with nothing to say but "I'm so very sorry". You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Maryann]

51.

Cecily and Charlie-
I haven't checked in for awhile, and I am so devastated for you both. I'm just a mess of tears and anger on your behalf though we've never even met. There are no adequate words. I'm so very, very sorry to hear this. For what it's worth, you're in my thoughts and in my heart.

[coolbeans]

52.

I am so very sorry, Cecily and Charlie. You are in my thoughts.

[Jules]

53.

I'm so very, very sorry for you both. Sending much love from across the world.

[jaine]

54.

dear charlie and of course, cecily...
you've had enough sorries albeit still being personally and exceptionally saddended and down-right fucking angry at your loss...as with everyone else, there are no words except thank you for your bravery in posting but more than anything, thank you for being a bona fide caring and loving husband who not just merely updated all of us who really care but who has, most importantly, supported your wife (and yourself) through all this IVF and the horrors associated with it. and by standing by her writing outlet to get through "everyday" life. as we know, minus this blogging land, it ain't everyday. it's not ordinary. and for a spiritual person who does not seek her faith in the traditional catholic (choke. yeah, i said it) sense that i was brought up (manipulated in) to believe...i went to church today and lit four candles. one each for you (too many people, in my humblish opinion, forget the DH) and Cecily and one each for the boys. i can't help but feel that emily at scrambled eggs is right...god or g-d does shop at pottery barn but i went anyway. i had to. (sarah, i wish you strength, too. it takes a lot for friend to courageously stand by, as well.)

[david]

55.

Cecily & Charlie - Alexhere told me about your situation and I am sorry to hear that all of our prayers have not come through... I just want you to know that I'm praying for both you and your children, may they both come back to you soon! I'm deeply sorry...

[amom]

56.

Cecily and Charlie, I'm a lurker;
I know God's angels are holding and comforting your boys. It's raining hear, (tears from Heaven). I have no idea how you are being so brave and carrying on. My heart is breaking for you.
God Bless You.

[Donna]

57.

Cecily and Charlie

My heart is breaking for you both. You will be in my thoughts.

[Kristin]

58.

Cecily and Charlie...my heart is breaking for you. I am so very relieved to hear that Cecily is doing well but am saddened beyond belief to hear about the loss of your precious boys. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers and your booys will never be forgotten.

[Spring]

59.

Cecily + Charlie

I am so very sorry for the loss of your boys. My thoughts will be with you in the coming weeks.

[rob]

60.

Thoughts, prayers, and best wishes to you and your family from Los Angeles.

[Soper]

61.

Cecily and family,
For the past three days I've held my breath for you, and am devastated by this turn of events. There are no words for what you are going through. Please know we all love you and will be here to listen when you are ready to talk.

[Alana]

62.

I wish there was something I could say or do to make this all better but I can't. I have prayed and kept you in my heart just the same. My husband sends his sorrow for your loss as well. I pray for a quick recovery and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you continue on the long road ahead.

[beth]

63.

im so sorry for your loss i know how hard this is for you! big hugs and prayers for you all!

[Carol]

64.

Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Annecat]

65.

This is just to let you know that someone as far away as Denmark is thinking about and praying for the 4 of you!

I'm so sorry.

[Kim]

66.

Cecily and Charlie:
De-lurking to say I am so, so sorry for this tragedy.
Kim

[susan]

67.

Dearest dearest C&C:

I have merely been a lurker till now, following your journey since you started this blog. And I so desperately wish I had something I could say that might take an iota of the pain away. But I don't. All I have is the ability to tell you both that you have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be so for endless time to come.

I am so deeply deeply sorry for your losses. Please know that even strangers like me are holding you close to our hearts these days.

susan

[Simone]

68.

My heart is so heavy.
I am stunned & so deeply saddened by your loss. Mine is just one of many, many voices, stirred & whispering a prayer your way. My thoughts will embrace you tight tonight as I lay to sleep. I am so very sorry. Thank you for your incredilby generous & selfless updates...to keep us strangers informed of each passing moment has proven your worth & strength & humanity tenfold. Thank God you have such a wonderful partner in each other. Hold tight.

[Kristin]

69.

I am so very sorry for your loss. (I am a lurker who recently came across your blog by way of julie's blog.) As you well know you are not alone in your tears and grief and I hope that fact as well as your love for each other will help you through this most difficult time. With Sincere Sympathy, Kristin

[Michele]

70.

Cec and Charlie-
Chris and I are so saddened by the sudden and tragic loss of your boys. We are so grateful that Cecily is going to be OK, but we had hoped, as everyone had, for a happy outcome for you all. I can't imagine your grief right now. Know that we are thinking of you, and although I'm not much into prayer, I have been praying for you.

All our love,

Michele and Chris from FF

[Wendynoel]

71.

I'm a silent lurker, who is so saddened by your loss. You are all in my prayers.
Wendy

[elspeth]

72.

This is so sad, my thoughts, love and prayers are with you
x

[Ellen (FF)]

73.

Cecily & Charlie-
I know that nothing I can say can comfort you right now-it is a very surreal and sad time. I admire your bravery and courage in this difficult time-you are lucky to have both during to help you in your grief. Take one day at a time--that is plenty for right now. I also am not a traditional church goer or prayer person, but have been praying a lot lately and most of those prayers are for the 4 of you to get well and get through this. I am holding you all close in my heart.
Ellen (FF)

[Liz]

74.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your boys. My heart has been going out to you throughout these days as I've been thinking of you all.

[Monica]

75.

Charlie,

Thank you for updating us and letting us know Cecily is physically ok. I'm so sorry for everything. Sending lots of love.

[Mary]

76.

This is the first time I have read your blog (coming over from links elsewhere) and I just wanted to tell you that you and your family are in my prayers. I am very sorry for all that is happening.

[Rebecca]

77.

I've been following your blog for quite some time and wanted to let you know that I am so very, very sorry for your losses. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[kate]

78.

Cecily & Charlie;

I am sorry. Lots of love and prayers being sent to you.

[Leif]

79.

Oh, man, that's rough.

With hopes for a quick and speedy recovery, that you find time to rest and heal your souls, and that the next run will go without a hitch.

[Sara]

80.

I am so, so, sorry for your loss.

No prayer will change this outcome, but I'll be praying that you guys can find peace in your hearts and the strength to get through this together.

What a heartbreaking turn of events.

[heidi]

81.

I found your site the other day and stayed up half the night reading the whole thing. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking and my thoughts are with you.

[Joanne]

82.

There truly aren't words for this. My deepest, deepest condolences for the loss of your little boys. It's insufficient, but it's all there is.

Sending you all love in this most difficult of times.

[averyjenn]

83.

Wanted to express how deeply saddened I am to hear of your losses. There just are no words I know to comfort you but know that myself and so many others out there are praying for both of you.

I lit a candle in honor of your lost sons today.

*tears*

[bj]

84.

Dear Charlie & Cecily:

My heartfelt sympathy for your losses. Cecily -- I just read your story of Charlie last week. Devestating to understand that finding our "truelove" does not mean that all pain ends.

bj

[juno]

85.

Cecily and Charlie,

I am holding you both in my heart as I read the news of the loss of both your boys. My deepest condolances.

Juno

[Caitlin]

86.

Hello Cecily and Charlie,
I feel like I know you as Sarah is a good friend of mine as well(from college) and she has told me much about you. Since she told me about the blog, I've been secretly addicted to it. :-) It was, of course, shocking to find out what had happened. So, I just wanted to tell you that I was really thinking about you, chanting (because that's what I do) for you all and praying for all your happiness and strength. I know that things may be dificult but I did want you to know that this experience, because of how incredibly giving you have been in sharing your lives, has really made us all more courageous, compassionate and in turn, giving. So, I did want to thank you for that. Hope we get to meet someday!
caitlin

[Christina]

87.

C&C - I'm so very sorry. So damn sorry for the loss of your boys. Please know that I'm thinking and praying for you all.

[Lindsey]

88.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, not knowing what to say except that I'm just so sorry you've both had to go through this.

Thinking of you both...

[one bird]

89.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your two precious boys. Best wishes for healing and peace to you both.

[April]

90.

I can not even begin to fathom the losses and tragedy your family has gone through in the last few days, but I still wanted to express my hearfelt sympathy to you. I have admired, largely as a lurker, Cecily's strength and preserverance, her with and her honesty.

My heart is breaking for you both. Please don't forget that we're all here, and we are sending you prayers/vibes/good thoughts from all over the globe.

I am so sorry.

[peach_linen]

91.

C & C,

All my heart goes out to you.

Peach

[Nat]

92.

Dear Cecily & Charlie,

I'm sick, I'm saddened, I'm still praying. I don't know where that window is opening, but it better be big as a fucking garage.

All my love, sympathy and support.

[Kristine]

93.

Must add so you both know one more person is weeping for you and your boys today. The way in which you lost the second seems especially cruel- I cannot begin to imagine being forced to make such a decision. You may now both consider yourself ushered into the world of parenthood in a most heartbreaking way- you did what you had to do. I pray for strength for you both in the coming days. I wish I could do more.

[Liz]

94.

I'm so tremendously sorry. There are no words.

You are in my heart and my prayers,

Liz

[Molly]

95.

We're all thinking of you, and we're so glad that you have such a strong, loving marriage to sustain you through this time.

[Pazel]

96.

Thank you Charlie for the update. It's good to hear that she's doing better considering how scary it got with her health. I'm so sorry about your little boys. It hurts to type this because it makes me think about what should have been. Please rest all you can and know there are all your barren bitches friends pulling for you.

[kim]

97.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of those saddened by this turn of events.

You've all been in my thoughts the past few days.

I wish you both peace.

Kim

[victoria]

98.

I'm so glad that Cecily is fine and can have future pregnancies without such devastating results. But I'm still in tears as I write this. What an incredibly harsh loss to have to live through.

[lynn]

99.

You're both in my prayers. I'm new to this site (found you through Chez Miscarriage). Cecily, I've read some of your previous posts and I think you're a remarkable person and I just know good things are coming for you and your family.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I'll echo all the other posters and say lean on us. We're always here.

[B]

100.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts.