Parenting Dilemas, or this is going to piss some people off

So I’ve been doing a little reading about parenting. Not much, mind you, but a little. A little about Attachment Parenting, a little Ezzo and Ferber (the antichrists of the Attachment Parenting world), and a handful of blogs by parents of both twins and singletons.

I’ve decided I must be a horrible person. Attachment Parenting sounds impossible to me.

First, because I don’t really want to co-sleep with the twins. It’s not because I’m afraid that I’ll crush them, or anything like that. It’s partially because one argument against it--that the babies smell their mother and wake up more often--kind of makes sense to me. It’s also because I’m a difficult sleeper, in the best of circumstances, and I promise I’ll be the worst kind of mother if I’m not at least moderately rested (I know enough not to expect well rested). I think they should be in the room with us, at least at first, even possibly in those “attach to the bed” bassinets, but not in the actual bed. I must confess, though, that if we were only talking about one baby, instead of two at once, I could reconsider.

Secondly, I’m going to return to work as soon as my job needs me to. I admire the hell out of Mother of Twins and Indigo Girl and I am so impressed with their ability to be home all day every day with their twins. I’m not cut out to do that. I’m afraid if I’m left alone, all day every day, with screaming babies, I will turn into Susan Smith and drive my children into a lake. Plus, I’m the only one in my house with a full-time, outside-of-the-home-job—the job that will be providing cool things like health care benefits to these kiddos. My husband is a freelancer, and my schedule is a little unusual, so we’ve figured out a system with only part-time day care or nanny time, so that I can work and my husband can continue to take care of his mother with Alzheimer’s. I’m so scared that this makes me bad mother material. I also realize that once they are here, and I’m madly in love, that returning to work will feel like tearing out my heart. But staying home isn’t an option.

Thirdly, and this is the worst thing possible—I’m just not sure about exclusively breastfeeding. I’ve studied it, I’ve read lots and lots about it, and I’m still just not sure that it will work for me. I certainly plan to do it for the first few months, especially when they first come home, but after that, I’m not sure. We’ll get a good pump, and I’ll pump my gonzo boobs to death (they really are huge now, I can’t IMAGINE what they’ll be like with milk in them), but we may give them bottled breast milk just as often as we put them to the breast. Even worse, if we need to, we might even supplement—gasp!—with formula. I’m going to let circumstances, not the ideals of the La Leche League, determine what we do.

I don’t object to wearing the babies in a sling, in fact I think that rocks, and I would love to be able to home school. I want to answer their every cry and be there for them when I can. But the rest…I’m just not comfortable with.

What’s wrong with me? My mother was a hippie, for Christ’s sake. I should be so all over this stuff. I do know this—if I lived in a village or commune type setting (like my mom and I did when I was 5 and 6), where there are lots of mothers, and everybody breast fed everyone’s babies, I could do it. In that kind of setting, there is constant support and love for both mom and babies.

But I don’t live in a world like that—I live in a house, in a major East Coast city, and my husband and I are going to be doing this primarily alone, with a little help from friends.

Ezzo (the Babywise dude) and Ferber (the train-your-baby-to-sleep-on-a-your-schedule dude) don’t sound all that wacko to me. My neighbors did the Babywise method, and it’s amazing how well behaved their son is, and how easily he goes to sleep at night. Of course, they are also ministers in some wacko Christian cult, but you know. They are very pleasant people.

As in all things, I imagine that my primary goal will be to strike a balance with all these different parenting methods, and to try to just be the best mother I can be. After all, what else can I do?

Comments

[SlugQueen]

1.

You sound well informed and better prepared than I ever was!! You will make your own way and find a balance of what works for you. Being balanced in YOUR way and meeting the babies needs in a way that makes the whole family function is what will make for happy babies and happy Mom and Dad.

I am sure you will do GREAT

btw they make pump horns for larger breast that are easier to use.....If you get a chance look for them. Also you can have my pump after December if you want it!

LOVE YOU TONS!!

[Jen P]

2.

I think a nanny is a brilliant idea! My sis-in-law works a lot and her husband also freelances. They have a nanny who is just genius with their son and he's so happy and content and sunny. It just makes sense for them and it might for you too.

[Anne]

3.

You know it really sucks that there are all these different schools of thought out there and we are made to feel like bad bad mommies if we don’t do it EXACTLY as the *experts* say. Well screw the experts and all the hippie-earth mothers or right-wing Ozzy & Harriet types who will want to blast you for not doing it their way. Bottom line is there is no road map to parenting, no one right way, and ultimately you, your husband, and the boys will find out what works for you. And that’s all that matters!

(boy am I feeling testy today or what? And I didn’t really mean to blast the hippy-earth mothers I usually like them, it’s just that I really hate it when other people start shoving their agendas down anyone’s throat)

[Sara (Note: No H!)]

4.

You know what? Take what you need and leave the rest.

Never feel, reading any of those books, that you have to do 100% what the book says or you're a failure.

Lets face it, if there was one plan that 100% worked for 100% of kids, there would be ONE book and no more. All those gurus are making money on the idea that maybe, just maybe, if you do exactly as they say, your kids will turn out perfect. There's no recognition that not every kid is the same, not every baby responds in the same ways to the same techniques. Instead, most of the "systems" argue that if your child is not responding to their technique, you, the parent, must not be doing it right.

I've heard the saying "first time parents are behaviorists; second time parents are geneticists." Meaning that with just one, parents are convinced that their child's temperament and behavior MUST be a result of their wonderful parenting skills, and with a second data point, those parents realize how much of it comes from the child's innate personality. And parents of twins go straight to step two.

Take what works and what feels right to you. "Motion naps" count just as much as any other nap. Sometimes with two kids, one is gonna have to cry. No system recognizes all these things.

Ferber, Weisbluth... not all bad, not all good. Same for dear Dr. Sears. Just don't get me started on Ezzo -- read "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" instead.

And then go get "Scientist in the Crib" and "Einstein Never Used Flash Cards."

[Amie]

5.

I was very hesitant to respond to your blog, I have been reading it for awhile but have never commented.

I do attachment parenting, although I will certainly admit that its not for every mom (especially a mom with twins).

However, I would like to give you this website www.ezzo.info I just know I would want this info if I was considering Ezzo.

[Elise]

6.

Your post shows you'll be a good mom because you will go with the flow and do what works. That's all anyone can ask! You'll breastfeed or not, you'll supplement or not, you'll do attachment stuff or not, whatever. Mostly those babies are going to have one kick-ass mom with some really cool tattoos to show their friends!

Also the "I must be a bad mom if I don't totally hate myself for going back to work" thing -- been there, but try not to waste your time and energy on that one. It's a non-starter. You gotta do what's right for your family, and you've seen how well kids can adapt to day care. Your kids are going to be two really cool little guys and they will know how much you love them.

[lisa]

7.

you're my hero. everything you said sounds so sensible, but what's really fantastic is that you're keeping in mind your (and your husband's) personalities and abilities. I'm sure there are lots of wrong ways to raise kids, but the "right" one is the one that works for *you* and your family. Your boys are lucky to have you for a mom :)

[Monica]

8.

I really relate to this post. I feel completely overwhelmed by all of the information. I can't even decide which books to read, much less which parenting style is best. And, I completely agree about the baby-in-the-bed thing...I mean, I get it in theory, but in practice? It just wouldn't work for us. I'm going with the bassinet in the room -- we'll see how it goes -- what else can you do?

[Linda]

9.

Yeah, you gotta take what works for you and leave the rest. Staying home with twins isn't for everyone. I went back to work (2 12-hour shifts on Friday and Sat nights) a few weeks ago and it's actually nice to get away. It's also extra nice to come home after work. I appreciate my girls more.

My moderate-sized boobs are now ginormous. Be prepared.

I was all set to do the AP stuff, but it's really hard with twins. I do co-sleep. We have them in a regular sized crib. We took off one side rail and attached it to our bed. It makes breastfeeding in the middle of the night much easier. If you buy one of those co-sleepers, it won't work for very long with 2 babies. This way we can still use the crib when they sleep separately.

A hospital grade breast pump has been wonderful for me. My husband/mom/mom-in-law/friends/complete strangers can all feed my babies while I sleep or just get away. We rent ours for $45/month. Expensive, yes. Cheaper than formula? You bet. I take Bfing in 3 month increments. I've made it to 3 months, now my goal is 6. We'll see how it goes. I will say this: we had to supplement with formula a bit at the beginning. While you can give formula to your kids and they will turn out fine (or if they don't, it's not the formula's fault) it really does stain and smell awful when they spit up.

Anyway, keep reading. I read a ton of different books while I was pregnant. It gave me a wide variety of parenting ideas to choose from later. And I saw a lot of those ideas differently once my girls were actually here. You might, too.

[Ellen]

10.

I heartily agree with everything you threw out there.

[Ellen]

11.

I heartily agree with everything you threw out there.

[Anne]

12.

Delurking to say that I seem to remember reading somewhere (in Consumer Reports, maybe?) that the bassinets that attach to the bed are a safety risk. I'd thought that they sounded like a great idea, too. But it turned out that my blighted ovum wouldn't need a bassinet of any kind. Also, a friend of mine ran screaming back to work when her twins were 6 weeks old. They are now 16 years old. Happy and well adjusted too. You should mother your kids whatever way feels right to you.

[Sarahsponda]

13.

Hey Cecily,
I changed my 'name' so that I wouldn't be confused with the mean Sarah that posted on Julia's blog.

I used to have ALL sorts of ideas about the right way to do things. Now I'm in your camp--the kids are going to benefit from their attachment to you not whether it comes from your breasts. Just look at them when you feed them. The Japanese have a very low rate of breastfeeding but they hold their babies to their skin and bottle feed them.
Sarah

[Michelle]

14.

DO WHAT WORKS!
DO WHAT WORKS!

NO GUILT!

LOTS OF CHOCOLATE!

YOU WILL BE FINE!

Okay, done shouting.

Wait, one more

DO WHAT WORKS!

[Kristine]

15.

Ah- the Ezzo debate! When we were struggling with getting my daughter to sleep a friend hesitantly gave me the Babywise book but warned me "it's controversial among some!" Uh...yeah! Like the people who think he's the devil?! I don't agree with everything the book says, but we did put our daughter on a schedule and also let her cry at bedtime when she got a bit older (3 or 4 months). I shared your line of thinking- if I didn't get some sleep, both me and the kid were headed for some serious trouble! I'm happy to report that our daughter seems not to have turned in to the spawn of satan- in fact, since then she's been a very good sleeper.
I like your attitude- you can't choose one method and expect to make it work just like the book says-it's a lot of trial and error and seeing what works for YOU.
I also only breastfed until 3 or 4 months- I suffer from depression, and needed to get back on my medication. I'm going to take the same approach with my second baby- I'll try it for as long as it works for us.
Don't let all this information take the place of your instincts- you'll know what feels right- and you'll do just fine- I'm sure of it!

[Christina]

16.

I'm a SAHM and only have a singleton, but let me tell ya, I sometimes wish I had a job to run to. Like many have said before me, do what works for YOU. I do a little of all the methods you mentioned. I don't co-sleep for the same reason's you don't want to and when my babe hit 4 months, she got to cry it out. And guess what, she's still alive and still thriving, thank you very much. You are going to do fine.

[Christine]

17.

Of course, do what works for you. Whatever you do, someone will think you're wrong, anyway. Fuck 'em.

We're going to do the co-sleeper thing (got one cheap through eBay) because it seems the easiest to me - even if baby wakes often, I figure s/he'll go back to sleep more quickly if s/he doesn't have to work himself up completely to get me to come down the hall to get him/her. But if it does get to the point where I'm suffering from lack of sleep or whatever, then back to the baby's room s/he goes. (OK, enough of the "s/he" thing, already!)

I have my priorities: Sane, rested, healthy mom = better care provided (whatever flavor it is) to the kidlet.

Of course, I have the luxury of having a 20 year old kid from my first marriage who seems more than OK to me, so I'll probably slack off even more with the second one (if that's possible). We unschooled for just a few years, but it was so enjoyable that I'd be hard-pressed to send the second one to school at all. But that's just me.

Speaking of slacking, get yourself a copy of "Confessions of a Slacker Mom", have a few (OK, several) laughs and relax. I spent an hour and a half in the pg/parenting section at B&N (what a huge bunch of crap is out there!) and it was the only book I could actually pay good money for. (Although we did buy the "Einstein Never Used Flash Cards" for our friends who had a baby in January.)

As far as breastfeeding goes - I nursed and pumped (starting around the 2nd week) and let DH give it to him in a bottle SO I COULD SLEEP once in a freakin' while. My son didn't seem to prefer one method more than the other, as far as I could tell.

Oh, and while we're talking boobs - I'm thinking I may have jumped the gun by getting these implants three years ago (really, I *thought* I was done having kids). I went from an almost B-cup to double DD my first pg, and was a D-cup when this one started. I fear someone may be seriously injured this time....

[Stacey]

18.

Babies are supposed to wake up more when you co-sleep?

Ever since I started bringing Caelyn into bed with me, she's slept like a DOLL. Plus, I can leave my tits hanging out and just latch her on when she's hungry. ;)

But you DO have two, and trying to latch on two wee babes, would be a hellofa lot harder.(for you and your boobs!)

[Stacey]

19.

Oh and P.S - what the lady said above me (Linda?) try to get a hospital grade pump, they're simply awesome. (especially with big tatas)

[jennifer and the beans]

20.

I dunno, maybe babies wake up more when co-sleeping, but it's EASY to get them (and you) back to sleep because you're right there, they're right there, and everyone's just barely awake. If they wake up and they're down the hall (or even across the room), you gotta get out of your nice warm bed, they gotta cry louder to wake you, everyone's wide awake and stressed by the time the feeding starts... I'd think that would be more disruptive. But of course every family is different and everyone finds what works best for them. I think the key is leaving your options open rather than dismissing some ways out of hand.

[Rachel]

21.

Cecily,
How many weeks were you when you found out the genders of your boys???
I am so ecxited to find out!
Rachel

[Moxie]

22.

Can someone explain to me (and this is a serious question, not a Seinfeld-esque conceit for my own opinion) how pumping so someone else can give a bottle in the middle of the night lets you sleep? Don't you still have to wake up to pump (if it's in the first few weeks)? It seems like more work and less sleep to me? Personally, I found it fine to wake up to nurse in the middle of the night but I did offload *all* diaper-changing to my husband (on the advice of my mother). At a certain point I was sleeping through feedings, but my husband was still getting out of bed to change the diaper.

I believe in doing whatever makes it easier for you. Being a mother is really damn exhausting so why create extra work for yourself? So I think it only makes sense to keep the kid in the room with you at night for the first few months because then you don't have to haul your post-partum ass out of bed and down the hall into another room to get to a kid who's all worked up into a full-on scream. (I also learned to nurse lying down as soon as I could so I could sleep through nursings.) Don't believe all the "if you start with them in your bed you'll never get them out" hype. You can change any behavior patterns you want to at any time, so just do what gets everyone the most sleep at any given time and then move on to something else when it doesn't work anymore.

Hey, you'll find other parents to hang out with that will have the same core values you do, even when they use different "methods." I really don't like CIO (and was so not surprised when that Harvard study came out showing the higher anxiety in kids who had been left to CIO), but two of my best friends did it and it just wasn't an issue for us. I didn't criticize them, and they didn't criticize me when I was going through the "I'm really tired of nursing him to sleep every night" phase. If you find people you like hanging out with, the little things that seem sooo important when they're 4 months old are less important than how you treat your kids at the core.

[Linda]

23.

Moxie~

Even in the first few weeks, I would sleep through one feeding/day. No, I wouldn't wake up to pump at that time. Our lactation consultant said that if I was nursing consistantly through the rest of the day AND frickin' night, missing the one feeding would be no big deal. And we rotated which feeding it would be so my body wouldn't say, "Hey, no lactation needed at THIS time of the day!"

Now I pump after the last feeding of the day, pretty much every day. Even after I feed both girls, I get about 8-10 more oz. This was enough for my husband to give them a bottle in the morning when they still needed that 6 am feeding and I could sleep till 8. Since they stopped needing that early feeding, he uses the pumped milk on weekends when I'm working. I also feel good knowing that I have a supply in the freezer just in case. Just in case of what? I have no idea. Color me over-prepared.

Anyway, that's how it worked for me.

[MOT]

24.

Thank you for the shout out! It's not easy, but if you follow Michelle's advice and do what works for you, it'll be ok.

Attachment Parenting is a very high ideal, I know, and probably works best when you live in a village in the middle of the Congo or something. Baby wearing in a sling (Maya Wrap) has worked well for me and when they were small (2 to 7 mos) I carried them at the same time in the same sling. OOF! Yes, they were mighty heavy.

Co-Sleeping works for me because of the BFing. Now, at one year of age (birthday in a few days!!) I lie down, with two pillows behind my back and shoulders and put an arm around each baby. They latch on well themselves, they are hard to *unlatch* sometimes, and we all doze off together. My DH helps settle one of them, then the other to the side and we all sleep for about five hours before the nursing frenzy starts again. It has taken about a year to get to this point – when they were a few weeks until they were seven months and eating a lot more food/solids, I would get up at night with one baby and nurse on one side and pump on the other once or twice a night. Yes, I was totally exhausted for those months, but I think I’d do the same again if I had to. It was not fun, pretty, enriching, rewarding or anything AT THE TIME, but I hope hope hope it’ll pay off for them later. The book I read that gave me some good tandem nursing tips was “Mothering Multiples” by Gromada. It’s a LLL publication, so it is too hard core, but there is some good advice.

Of course, the first time they come home drunk, or with a ring through their navel, or a broken arm or something I’ll probably shriek: But you were breastfed!!! How could you do this to the body I nourished with my own boobs!?

Here’s my only bit of real “advice”: Don’t let anyone/any book/ any website make you feel guilty. Commented on Indigo Girl’s site: There is no way you can NOT feel guilty about some of things you are doing, aren't doing or think you should do. There is not enough time in a year to do what twins need in a month. Whatever you are doing IS YOUR BEST, and your best is more than anyone else can do.

[sigal]

25.

Do what your heart tells you -- planning for life with babies is never like what you think it will be! When they come, believe in yourself, and do what you want.

I am a very attachment parenting mom -- but never planned to be, it just came naturally. And it was easy . . .

The only thing that matters is to treat your little ones with compassion. Everything else is just details.

[Stacey]

26.

Amen MOT!

[lorrie]

27.

Everybody has opinions and advice on parenting. 1/2 the stuff works, the other 1/2 doesn't. You will have to learn on the job. Read everything but take it with a grain of salt. My kids started life in an orphanage in China w/out attachment ANYTHING and are happy, bonded, and very attached.

[Dana]

28.

Sister A used a modified babywise and her child is a pleasure to put to bed, no problems. Sister B kept the baby in the bed and nursed on demand so he'd sleep pretty much anytime she wanted him to. She weaned him at 18 months when they didnt want him in the bed any more - it was a living hell - I'm serious it was horrible and to me so unnecessary. That's one hard habit to break.

Congratulations and good luck!

[sigal]

29.

I wanted to add one more thing: there is no parenting style that makes your child easier or harder, a better sleeper or not. Kids are different and you need to vary your routines and your predetermined ideas of parenting to accomodate their differences.

I have 2 attachment parented children and they are different as night and day. One sleeps, the other barely does (as an infant, he slept 10 hours in 24. it's gone down from that). One is a great eater (the bad sleeper), the other does not eat enough and gets really edgy . . . They are parented similarly, but wired differently. Just like one is in the 90th %tile for height and the other in the 10th, and just like one is very verbal and the other is not. They are different people. They will always be different.

I believe that parenting styles are more about what you want yourself to become as a person -- do you want to be compassionate? tough? a pushover? a meanie? relaxed? uptight? in control or out of control? Then you like the parenting style that seems to you to reflect all that. If you tend to "overgive" in all your other relationships, then AP may sound like a nightmare . . .

Finally, your measure of success in parenting is not a child who sleeps or eats or has an easygoing temperment. Similarly, the measure of a good parenting plan is not that someone else's kids came out wonderful (don't we all know kids who were abused and are the nicest, sweetest people? that does not mean the system worked!). The right plan is the one that you feel at peace with, the one that doesn't make you wonder if you're doing it right. When your babies will be born you will get to know them as people and figure out what they need, and how you can give them what they need in the way that makes you happiest. Just trust yourself -- you're their mother, you're THE expert on your babies, and you will know in your heart what to do. Just make sure you know to ask for help when you need it, and you'll do great. You already have a parenting style -- it is not written in any book, only in your heart, and you will discover it when your boys are born.