Registries and Baby Showers

******Lots of baby stuff mentioned. Scroll down past the line to the part about my mom if you'd rather ignore it all******

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So my dear friends that are planning my baby shower, are, for reasons unknown to me, doing this without my (meddling) participation.

While I understand that the mom-to-be rarely plans her own shower, the fact is that I’m a party planner. I mean for years I did it for a living. Plus, when a friend of mine got married a few years back, I ended up becoming her wedding planner—something that will not happen again, thank god, since I’ve learned to be much more respectful of boundaries since that time.

I told them I didn’t want it to be a surprise, which was possibly a mistake, since now I get to hear about when they get together and stuff. So I got to feel left out on Sunday because I knew that they were two doors down planning things.

Sniffle.

The only consolation I have is that I will get to be part of the planning for my best friend’s bridal shower. While I imagine all nineteen (or so) of us bridesmaids will be involved-- to some extent-- since her eight-year-old daughter will be the maid of honor and there are only a couple of us bridesmaids living locally, I’m guessing I’ll get to play a big role in the whole bridal shower planning thing.

Revenge is sweet…

Actually, I don’t really mind. Ok, I mind a little, but I’m just so glad it’s these three fab women planning it.

Thanks S, E, and J!

So anyway, they encouraged me to get registered for my shower sooner rather than later. We’re doing the shower early—it will be December 4—since the twins could come anytime from January on.

So Saturday I managed to convince my dear husband, who hates shopping, to go to the store and register with me. We made a list at home, but even so, felt totally clueless when we arrived at the store. Thankfully, the store is apparently used to this, and they totally take you by the hand and tell you what to do. Plus, they have a great list of their own, which we cross-referenced to our list (we got almost everything on their list, except things like window valences—ick—who invented those puffy things?).

I have never been so delirious after shopping. I seriously had vertigo. By the end, I was standing in front of a wall of bottle nipples, thinking I was looking at pacifiers, and not being able to comprehend why they looked wrong.

But we got it all done, in one day. Now anything I have to change I can do on-line.

I’ve never registered for anything before. When we got married, we just told people to give us money. We’d already lived together for three years, what more could we need (yeah, we were stupid. To this day, I wish I’d registered for china, since I serve my grand Christmas dinner each year on paper plates).

It feels really greedy—to list all these items and expect other people to pay for them. Obviously, we would have to starve to buy it all ourselves, but still…sheesh! I hope people don’t feel pressured.

Anyway. It’s done. Now, I just sit back and let the gals do the work until I get to open presents. Yeah!

Comments

[J]

1.

HA................It was weird to be on your block knowing you could look out the window and see who was around. It was El's birthday so I had to get home. We are so excited to be planning this for you!

Your Mom........I told you this when I saw you last but I wanted to be included on the blog opinions. You have to think what you want from talking to your Mom. If you want her around know you have to keep her at arms distance because sooner or later she will bite! If you really need in your soul to confront her do it. Just know it may be ugly.

Being pregnant made me want my Mom so badly. I wanted her to care and like everyone when pregnant I was scared.. My Mom was, as you know, totally absent. I got my nurturing in other places. I would say between my sister, you and all my friends I got the nurturing energy I needed.

I hope you get peace with her and call me when you need a dose of nurturing. :)

[Sam]

2.

De-lurking to give my 2 cents on the poll.

Mothers can be tricky, as you already know. If it were a friend, I'd say go for it. But the complex layers of feelings piled on top of past experiences creates a shitload of baggage. To confront her on your feelings about how she treats you is invariably connnected to a myriad of other Things She Has Done In The Past That Have Sucked. Baggage makes it hard to work on one issue at a time, because they are all connected somehow.

That said, if you can say what you have to say without expectations, as suggested by your therapist, go for it. Especially if by saying what you need to say you will feel better or feel that you are no longer carrying a load on your shoulders. As morbid as this next thought is, I always think to myself, "If my mom died tomorrow, would I regret not having said this to her when she was alive? Will it ease my mind that upon her death, I have said my peace and have done what I could to try to make our relationship better?"

I don't know if this helps, as I now realize that I didn't give you a vote either way. I guess I vote...IT DEPENDS. Good luck!

[lisa]

3.

I would say unless you have a strong need to tell your mom how you think / feel it's probably not worth it. It sounds like that would backfire on you, and she'd just make you feel rotten and guilty and make excuses for herself and her behavior, and you'd waste more time and energy trying to put the pieces back together.

My relationship with my mom has always been pretty good, except there are a few things (nearly all to do with my sister, or that relationship) that she just refuses to see or acknowledge. It's some kind of giant blind spot there. The few times I've tried to bring it up or discuss my feelings about it, she either blows me off or essentially says it's my fault my relationship with my sister is precarious (because, you know, as the elder sister I'm supposed to know better and handle things perfectly). I've pretty much come to accept she'll never "get it", so when it bugs me I just complain to my husband.

[Jen P]

4.

I think I'd have to vote No because, no matter what you say or what you don't say, your mother has her own agenda and will perceive it all as an attack. Because, as you stated, her pain is so much more than your own. So really, you could tell her your head was going to drop off and she'd bring up something more pitiful for you to feel sorry for her about.

She's just the type you treat with gloved hands and only on occasion. Ahhh....family.
Hope things work out well either way.

[Cathy]

5.

First, ditto on valences. Second, on your mom, that's tricky and I can see benefits in either choice. Just know either will be difficult and ultimately not really give you the outcome you'd like. I don't have a relationship with my mother, she has similar "seductiveness" about her, i.e., gets all excited about your b-day, asks you what you want, asks to take you out to dinner, whatever, then misses the b-day altogether and doesn't call for 6 months for no particular reason. She did that to my sister once. Anyway, it might feel good to be straight up with her and get it off your chest. Then let the chips fall where they may. I'm more direct, though, that doesn't work for everyone. Maybe play both scenarios out in your head and decide which is better to live with. I wish you muck... I mean luck. ;) Been there, and I give you kudos for trying.

[Moxie]

6.

Do you *want* to confront her?

I think that's the issue. Also, bear in mind that you will have different emotional needs once the boys are on the outside. The first few weeks after birth are seriously even more hormonally fucked-up than the first trimester of pregnancy is. If you have a desire to confront her and don't do it now, you may very likely just snap and go completely postal on her when the boys are two weeks old because you won't be able to help it. So if you really want to confront her, better to do it now while you're more rational, and also allow the dust to settle a little before the boys get here.

I don't have issues with my mom (she's an example to all of us about why it's good to work on your problems before you have kids so you can have a healthy relationship with them), but I have major issues about the way my MIL treated/trests/will treat my husband. My feelings of disbelief and ire at her really intensified after having my son. I couldn't understand how anyone could deliberately hurt their own child once I had my own there in my arms. Part of it was hormonal, yeah, but a lot of it was understanding and feeling that love and the need (not just willingness) to jump in front of a speeding bus if it would save my child from pain. And to realize that my MIL chose her own emotional games and misguided self-protection over her son was stunning. I think the same thing's going to happen to you--that once you're wrist-deep in poopy diapers it will be even less comprehensible to you that your mother treats you the way she does, because normal mothers just don't treat their kids that way. And as a normal mother, you'll feel less sympathy for someone who can't get their emotional shit together enough to keep their kids separate from themselves.

So, I vote you should do what you really want to do.

[Moxie]

7.

Oh, and did you register for washable cloth-covered waterproof pads? You'll need the crib-sized ones (one for each kid and one for you to sleep on for the frist few weeks) and some smaller ones.

[MOT]

8.

Mother front - did ya read my blog about my mother being a therapist? (June 24)

I think all mothers know *exactly* what they are doing when they make those *mother* comments, and have their own reasons for doing it. It could be basic insecurity, or jealousy of their daughter's youth, general fear of: aging/loss of control over a child's life/loss of control over their own life, or just because she wants attention. It's not worth telling your mom she has hurt your feelings. She is totally aware of it and your telling her would make her feel worse about it and could possibly provoke a worse situation.

Of course, this is from my own experience as a mother - I know my boys just want to be held, but sometimes I don't want to hold them. Then they cry. Sorry, I am just touched out and want to pee in private, at least once a week! Also, this is from my experiences w/ my mother; we get along really well as long as I don't try to talk about anything painful I am experienceing that a/ she caused or b/ that she can't throw money at to make go away. So, telling her my house is a mess because of the twins leads her to pay for my housekeeper. Telling her I need a hug, some sleep and asking her to baby sit the twins so my husband and I can have dinner out on our wedding anniversary leads her to say - Oh, I don't think your father would like to do that, he works so hard you know, but I'll ask. But I really don't think he'll want to baby sit. That's a bit much after a long day.

Baby shower front- say thank you, eat yourself silly and TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET NOW.

[Sarah]

9.

My advice is to remember that your mother is utterly consistent. She will be seductive and cruel even if you are sincere and authentic. I agree that the best thing is to tell the person who you have the problem with, what the problem is, but your mom has such a rigid way of interpreting incoming information that I imagine it would be an awful, awful experience. I think your mother may say she wants to know why your distant, but its probably because she has a fantasy that there is something 'new' that she doesn't already know about that she will finally unlock the secret to why you don't adore her. You might want to look at the book "trapped in the mirror" http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0688140718/002-9308343-6335201?v=glance

My mother, not a perfect specimen, but witty once said to me "If you talk to a post expect to get slivers in your lips" That seems to apply. Perhpas it would be mroe effective to mourn the loss of the motehr she could have been rather than to keep giving her chances to change.

Love,
Sarah

[peach_linen]

10.

Coming from someone who went to therapy with her mother for a year until the therapist told me I didn't need to go anymore, but my mom still needed therapy... I say don't bother. Your mother will do what she does for as long as she wants and it will not change unless she decides to grow up, or she does so by accident.

Save your grief. Be content to know that you are at least getting a handle on your life and are happy. Acknowledge that your mom is "emotionally different" from you and be sad about that, but move on. It will save you TONS of bitterness.

(And also, after a certain number of phone calls that end with your mother starting to manipulate you and you brightly saying, "Well, it was good talking with you mom, but I've got to go now, it's dinnertime!" She *might* actually stop manipulating - not on purpose, of course - And again, there's only a slight chance of that, but there you go.)

[Laurie]

11.

You know, I'm torn on the issue with your mom. I think that confronting her might make you feel better, but I totally expect her to react in the same way (seductively & competitively) she always has from what I've read here. While the confrontation might bring some measure of instant gratification (which isn't exactly the term I'm wanting, but it's the best I can come up with right now), in the long run, it might just cause more headaches with her. But then again, she's not my mother and I am not the therapist, so what the hell do I know?

[cherylc]

12.

This is from my own experience entirely, and I have a lot of baggage around this. I think if you think you can handle her possible reactions and maintain some kind of equilibrium (important when you're pregnant, especially with twins) then you should talk to her. My mother died before I could talk to her as much as I would have liked. I did talk to her about things some, but I wish we had done it more, because even if she had said crazy things in response, it's still useful information for me to put into the picture, if that makes sense. Also, I don't think it's morbid to think about how you'd feel if a parent died, it's just realistic.

[Maryann]

13.

Hi - ditto on the valences too. For your mother, I have to vote somewhere between "no" and "be careful". As several others have mentioned, talking to her probably isn't going to change anything with her. But it might help you - only you can decide that.

So, being the skeptic I am, I have two theories about your therapist. Either he really wants to help, and believes this will help, or he wants you to keep coming to talk to him and paying the bills. :-p

I know - that's pretty cynical. But to balance out the scales, my A.D.D. son sees a therapist and sometimes we see him as a family, so I am not at all opposed to therapy. Sometimes it's the best medicine.

Either way, he's right about not having any expectations. If you decide to tell your mother the real scoop, just know ahead of time that you are doing this for "you" - not for her. But if I were in your shoes, I would not attempt it until I felt that I could be a pillar of strength for myself and that I would not crumble at her first manipulative response.

I love reading that you have so many supportive friends close by. One of your friends said if you need nurturing to come to her. What a blessing! Friends like that are such treasures - and they will be there when you need whatever your mother should-but-can't give.

Good Luck!

[Anne]

14.

Isn’t registering for stuff fun and such a guilty pleasure! Enjoy it.

Regarding your mom, well that’s a bit of a tuff one for me. My first inclination is to say go for it, I know I’d want to. BUT it all comes down to, are you really able to approach your mom and lay it out on the line with absolutely no expectations of how you’d like her to respond, or what you’d like to get out of this. I was able to tell my mom, with whom I’ve had a poor to marginal relationship for most of my life, strait out what my feelings were once and it did work out well. At the time though I was just over it and over her and was basically telling her off, so there were no expectations on my part. I’m sure that if my state of mind had even been slightly different that things might not have turned out so well. On the other hand I’ve tried to do this with my dad, to whom I’m much closer with (= more expectations), and well it all goes to pot and I’m left even more hurt than I was before. And my dad, well he just cant seem to figure out what’s going on and I’m sure he thinks I’m being overly dramatic and everything seems to come out worse than I intended (see it’s those expectations messing things up). The lucky thing in all of this is that b/c my relationship with my dad is not too bad there is room for these kinds for mistakes but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case with your mom.

If you can leave your expectations at the door, well I say go for it. If you know you wont be able to tell her straight out what your feeling are without your expectations getting in the way well then I say forget about it. I’m afraid if your expectations get in the way it will open the door for your mom will be consistent and use what you’ve told her against you.

[sandy]

15.

Re your mother: Time to put down Pamela and pick up The Blackwater Lightship by Colm Toibin