Number of times I’ve been penetrated by a foreign object since Thursday:
3 Blood Levels Taken
3 Dildocam Ultrasounds
10 Acupuncture Needles (4 with electrical hookups!)
4 Repronex Injections
4 Gonal-F Injections
1 Sex with my husband (although he’s neither foreign or an object, but you get my drift)
TOTAL: 25
I’m beginning to wonder if that Ms. Magazine article was right. I feel like a weepy, nauseous pincushion.
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So at this morning’s dilcocam/vampire session, I was stuck with the ultrasound technician I refer to fondly as (sensitive readers, cover your eyes!) The Cunt. She is a deeply angry woman, which I respect, but she covers it up with a pathological and creepy faux cheerfulness. She also knows everything, and contradicts everything you say so she can show you how she knows everything.
Today she asked me about my medications, correcting me throughout: “Repronex in the evenings starting Thursday,” I say. “One vial?” she says. “Yes,” I say. “Every night?” “Yes, yes, yes.” “So that’s one Thursday, one Friday…” etc, etc. Then we do the same thing with the Gonal-F. The worst thing is, she’s holding my freaking chart in her hand.
After we were done, she tells me that my left ovary isn’t accessible. She says this reproachfully, like I’ve deliberately moved it so she can’t see. This has been an on/off issue throughout my infertility struggle. Apparently, my left ovary is very, very shy and hides behind my uterus, particularly when The Cunt is the technician. The other technician poked my stomach once and made it appear just fine, so I’m not too worried.
But then she went on to tell me that I have one follicle. Now, to the IVF patient, that might as well be a death knell. That reeks of ‘cancelled cycle’ and lots of other nasty things. But the thing is, the IVF nurse I spoke to on Saturday actually dropped my Gonal-F dose because I had A LOT of follicles. So what the fuck? Today I’m just not going to worry about it and wait to hear from the IVF nurse. I’m only four days into injectibles, so lots could change in the next week.
Of course, that’s if the IVF nurse is still speaking to me. When she called me last week about starting the injectibles, she said I should give the Repronex in the “fleshy part of my buttocks.” I thought for a second and said, “Um, isn’t this supposed to be an intramuscular injection?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “Well, the needle is only an inch and a half long, and frankly, you’re gonna need more than that if you want to reach the muscle in my big ass.” She said, “Uh…” I said, “How’s about the tops of my thighs?” She said, “Uh, ok.” I tell you, I wanted to give my big fat ass a hug after that.
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So this weekend I went over to visit my neighbor’s baby. I hadn’t seen her in a whole week, and she has developed two really cool things: two top teeth, and penchant for hip-hop.
This baby, I shit you not, actually sticks out her one-year-old booty and puts a hand up in the air the minute she hears Ludacris or Eminem. I don’t believe there is a single thing cuter or funnier on the planet.
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Wish me luck. Tonight I’m giving a reading of my poetry and creative non-fiction for the first time in a while. I’m excited, and think that three or four people might actually show up. I’m thinking of reading my “two crimes” blog entry as well. I’ll let you know how it goes.
